Dear
Viny,
I
have been in a long term relationship for the last 10 years, most of
my adult life. We are recently married, and have always been very
strong together. About 4 months ago my wife asked if we could open
our marriage and try polyamory. She also indicated that she had
developed a crush on one of our friends. I had thought about poly
before and had imagined we might end up there one day. I also
imagined that I could get some benefit from it. My wife came at it
from an angle of being in a strong place in our relationship, but
feeling like we could get more, if we opened ourselves up to love
beyond our marriage. With all this in mind I agreed that we could try
it. She had been thinking about it for a while and reading quite a
lot. Within a week she had kissed the friend and struck up a
relationship. I busied myself with reading and thinking but was not
quite happy. There was a lot of fear, jealousy and unhappiness –
too much to really get into the details, but I imagine you know the
deal. I was mainly afraid that she was so excited by this new man and
by this new lifestyle that she would realise she didn't actually need
me. She always denied this though and insisted that she really does
want me, but also wants a polyamorous relationship. At one point it
got too much for me and I asked her to call it off while I spent time
getting my head right. I also have a very stressful job that is at
its worst and is really damaging my happiness and self-esteem, and it
is mingling in with this relationship stuff to really make me an
anxious wreck. It is one month later and we have done a ton of
reading, talking, thinking, fighting, and crying, and we have also
had some good times within that. She would now very much like to go
back to her lover, and I want her to be happy. I also do feel like I
can get behind us being polyamorous, but it is very difficult to
adjust to. The feelings of fear and jealousy are stronger than ever
and I am not sure what to do. I feel so conflicted, because I want to
be the type of person who is ok with this, I want to be less jealous,
possessive and weird. I want her to be happy, and I want to be happy
too. I want to meet new people, but I am not quite there yet from a
confidence point of view. I have now told her that it is ok for her
to go back to the lover, but I am conflicted. I think that part of me
is letting her do that out of fear of her resenting me for not
letting her do it, part of me really wants to be ok with the whole
thing and thinks I can get ok with it, and part of me really doesn't
want it. I am also not sure if it is just because of who it is with –
the friend is someone I respect and feel inadequate in comparison to,
and I also have to see him quite a lot because of our friendship
circle.
Really,
I am just wondering if I am a fool for thinking that I can adjust to
this and get ok with it, even though I feel quite scared. Is it
better for me to tell my wife to break it off completely, rather than
toying with her emotions while I am uncertain? Or should I just let
it happen and attempt to sort myself out while it goes on? Any advice
would be most welcome.
-
Space Ghost
***
Dear
Space Ghost,
In
your travels through the ether, have you by chance come across an
article titled “Lasting Relationships Come Down To 2 Basic Traits”? If not, read it. It's interesting. But in case
you're not in the mood for clickbait right
now,
I'll do
you a favor and give you the Cliff's Notes version:
the two basic traits are kindness
and
generosity.
Please
keep those traits in mind as
you read on, because
we'll be
getting
back to them.
This
morning, I read your letter aloud to my husband. We were still in
bed, and I didn't have my contacts in, which meant I had to hold my
cell phone practically against my nose to read the words. Parker was
holding the sheet to his nose, as he often does when he's in bed,
awake, and deep in thought. I'm telling you this so you get the
picture: two sets of naked shoulders; two noses, both covered by
something; two sets of eyes; two heads of messy hair (his looks much
better messy than mine does, though). We've known each
other for thirty years, Parker and I: we met in sixth grade, when we
were both eleven.
“This
person sounds so much like you would have sounded, if you had written a
letter back
in the early days, when I was first with Scott,” I said.
“So, I'm curious: if you could say one thing to this Space
Ghost guy,
what would it be?”
“Hmmm
– one thing?” Here Parker's voice descended about an octave: “Dude –
it sounds like you got 99 problems, and your b*tch ain't one.” Then he
added, in his normal tone, “You did want the
ultra masculine perspective, right?”
He explained that your actual problems, as he saw them, were these:
1) your job is stressing you out and damaging your happiness and
self-esteem; 2) you don't have a crush on anyone (which
means that opening your marriage has not brought you a sense of
excitement or heightened possibility); and 3) you are using your
social network to fuel your own feelings of inadequacy, rather than
as a source of support.
So,
okay, only three problems, not ninety-nine. I hope that softens the
“tough love” blow.
Is
it possible, my dear Casper, that your relationship with your wife is
the One Really Good Thing about your life? It sounds like you've
pinned all of your happiness and all of your self-worth to that relationship.
If so, that's a BIG reason why this new development is driving you to
distraction and despair. Not because your relationship with your wife
is a problem, but because it's the only thing that isn't
a
problem. What happens if you lose your One Really Good Thing? You'll
be left with nothing, that's what. No wonder you're so scared.
I'm
not much of one for trotting out Biblical parables, since religion is a sore
subject with me (I grew up Mormon, and am still recovering), but have
you heard the one about the three servants who got different amounts
of money? Their master was going away on a business trip or
something, and he wanted them to steward his money, with the hope that they'd increase his wealth in his absence. He gave one servant
ten talents, and another five talents, and the last he gave one
talent. The guy with ten talents went and bought something, like
probably sheep (I'm getting this all wrong, but it's the basic gist
that matters), and the sheep had lambs, which he sold for a profit,
so when the master returned, he had twenty talents to show. And the second guy went and bought, I dunno, let's say grapes, and made them into wine, which he sold for a profit, so when the master returned, he had ten talents instead of just five.
But the guy who only got one talent was so worried about losing what
little he had that he buried the money – and then forgot where it was.
I
don't see kindness or generosity in that parable, but it is
a cautionary tale about what can happen when we are so afraid of losing our One Good Thing that we in fact cause our worst fears to come
true.
Here's
my advice. I think you should believe your wife when she tells you
she still loves you and needs you. I think that instead of treating your relationship with her like it's the problem, you should tackle your real problems – your shitty job, your feelings of inadequacy, your
competitive crappola – with a “can-do” attitude. I think you
should work on strengthening your capacity for kindness and
generosity in all your relationships – with your wife, and with her
new lover (who is also your friend, after all), and definitely, most
definitely, with yourself.
Whenever
you are faced with a “how
do I deal with this?”
conundrum,
and
you are evaluating possible action steps,
just
ask
yourself, “Is
this approach as kind and generous as I am capable of being?”
Telling your wife and your friend to break things off completely? Not
so much. Toying with their emotions while you are uncertain? Um,
nope.
Just letting it all do whatever it does while
you flounder and flail,
even though
that is going to make you
feel like absolute shit, because the
other guy is
better than you and beggars can't be choosers and all that? Also a
big fat “En Oh spells NO.”
You're
a thoughtful person, S.G., and you have good intentions. You're also
clearly struggling with feelings of low self-worth. That's a normal
(albeit super sucky) side-effect of jealousy, but
it
also sounds like you're self-critical even when you are not feeling jealous. Use
this as an opportunity to work on becoming a better you – namely,
someone you yourself can depend upon to be kind and generous – and
I promise you, it will get better.
Yes,
unfortunately, it
may get worse before it gets better. And after it's gotten better, it may
get worse again before it gets better again, but overall, it does
get
better. (Yes, I'm borrowing a phrase, because
it's perfectly applicable to your situation.) Please
remember that I'm
saying this as someone who has been in your position. I'm saying this
as someone who knows many other people who have been in your
position. I'm
saying this as someone who is intimately
familiar with the conflicting thoughts and emotions you describe, and
I am telling you, it
gets better.
I hope that helps.
Spring
rains & slow gains,
Viny
Damn, you nailed this one, Viny. Great stuff here.
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