Monogamy Is Over. So Is Polyamory.

A recent issue of Time magazine ran with the cover, "Is Monogamy Over?"

The consensus among the thinkers/cultural gurus who weighed in on this question seemed to be, "No, monogamy isn't over -- er, not exactly. Kind of. But not, like, TOTALLY over. Which is good, because monogamy can be a good thing for people. Kind of. At least in theory."

I disagree. I think monogamy IS over.

The mere fact that Time put that question on their cover demonstrates that our cultural narratives about relationships are changing, and changing pretty rapidly. I believe that within a few decades, most people's attitudes about relationships will look more like mine, whether or not they choose a lifestyle like mine. 

But don't get all excited (or freaked out, as the case may be) about the coming Ascendency of the Polyamorous World Order, because I also think polyamory is over.

What I see, from my vantage point, is that people are becoming increasingly uncomfortable with both "monogamy" and "polyamory", and what those labels imply. At nearly every "poly" gathering I have attended, someone says something like, "I don't know if I qualify as truly polyamorous, because...."

[Here are some of the "disqualfiers" I've heard: My partner and I are thinking about opening our relationship, but we're still in the experimental phase; I'm in a companionship marriage with my gay husband, and I don't even have another partner right now; I just broke up with partner A, which means now I'm only seeing partner B; I'm not dating at the moment, and neither is my wife, which I guess means we are technically monogamous; My live-in partner and I don't have sex any more, so my girlfriend is my only sex partner; I identify as asexual; I'm actually still a virgin; etc.]

I wonder if we need a new term to describe the new relationship paradigm that is in the process of emerging -- a term that denotes a collection of ideas about relationships, rather than a set of practices. (I know, I know: not another new term!)

Regardless of what we might call this collection of ideas, I'd like to take a stab at enumerating them. Here they are -- feel free to email me with any additions/deletions/clarifications/comments!

{EDIT: Quite a few people have pointed out that the ideas below sound a lot like Relationship Anarchy. I discuss RA, and the reasons why I don't feel comfortable calling myself a relationship anarchist, here.}

1. IDEAS ABOUT SEX

• sex isn't bad or shameful
• different people manifest sexuality in many different ways; as long as it's consensual, we shouldn't judge other people's sexual tastes or the way they choose to express themselves sexually (or not, in the case of people who identify as asexual)
• sex isn't inherently private; robust, open communication about sex is good
• open communication about your sexual history/activities is perhaps the most important “safer sex” practice you can implement (your partners are then able to give informed consent)
• sex can be sacred outside of exclusivity and long-term commitment (in other words, it's not a choice between "sacred & monogamous" and "casual & promiscuous" sex)
• there is no natural, non-arbitrary line we can draw to separate what's sexual and what isn't
• people have the same right to express themselves sexually, and to engage in sex on their own terms, regardless of gender/orientation (there should be no double standard)

2. IDEAS ABOUT INTIMACY

• true intimacy depends on open communication (which depends on a bunch of other things, including self-knowledge, communication skills, and a commitment to honesty and transparency): “don't ask, don't tell” limits intimacy; indulging in intrigue or "mind" games can damage trust
• intimacy is more valuable than privacy
• intimacy depends on mutual consent and reciprocity (in other words, boundaries are healthy)
• most people do better with multiple intimacies in their lives
• people who celebrate and foster multiple intimacies will create stronger communities than those who limit their intimacies: what we want is deeper, more bonded communities brought together by mutual interest in intimacy, rather than a common interest in eradicating some hated Other
• there is no clear distinction between sexual and non-sexual intimacy, because intimacy is holistic: it includes the whole person, and sexuality is part of that

3. IDEAS ABOUT RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS

• you don't have to break up with a partner when things aren't perfect; there are all kinds of creative solutions to incompatibilities
• likewise, you don't have to break up with one person because you are interested in another; it doesn't have to be “choose A or B”
• DIY relationships are more rewarding than following a culturally sanctioned script, because they are of necessity engaged in more consciously (although some discourse on polyamory is getting script-y these days)
• there are no relationship “givens”: agreements, terms, obligations do not magically occur because some event happens (“you slept with me, so that means X” or “you married me, so that means Y”), but because people sat down together and made an explicit agreement – and understand that those agreements must be revisited regularly
• there is no ideal model for how a relationship should be
• change is inevitable in any relationship (which is why agreements must be revisited to make sure they are still serving everyone's needs); and not every good relationship is sustainable
• there is no “correct” trajectory for how change “should” happen in the course of a relationship
• one person can't be everything to anyone (under this paradigm, no one ever has to ask, “Why am I not enough for you?” or “You like so-and-so? What's wrong with me?”)
• the dyad is not the only locus of intimacy

4. IDEAS ABOUT EMOTIONS/INDIVIDUAL EXPERIENCE

• jealousy doesn't equal love; it is better for your psychological health to let it go; it is totally possible to overcome, or at least minimize, your feelings of jealousy
• jealousy, when examined, proves to be a collection of fears (abandonment, personal inadequacy, etc.)
• it is possible to develop positive feelings in place of or in addition to jealous feelings, i.e. "compersion" (happiness because of a partner's happiness with another)
• it is possible to experience romantic love for more than one person at a time (though since relationships tend to be at different stages, and to fill different needs, in practice this overlap isn't complete....)
• you can't be honest with others unless you understand your own emotions and learn to communicate about them without holding others responsible for how you feel: you have to have a clear sense of where your ego boundaries are
• the desire to control one's intimate partners is unhealthy, and it's worth working to overcome this desire to control them, because everyone is happier when autonomy is respected and nurtured

Unrequited Love: My Metamours Wish I Didn't Exist

Dear Viny,

My husband “Scott” and I opened up our marriage almost 2 years ago. I've been seeing my boyfriend “Charles” for over a year and a half, and it's been a wonderful dating experience. My main struggle in this relationship has been, and continues to be, that Charles' wife, “Jessica,” does not want to get to know me. We met once at Charles' request, but only for 20 minutes because that was all that Jessica wanted. I don't feel a great need to be pals and hang out all the time with her, but I do feel that a certain degree of compassion can be gained by some sort of regular get-together. I want very much to express my caring for her and to let her know I understand who she is as the lovable woman Charles married. I want her to know that I care for her and her sweet family. Without any opportunity to communicate, we may secretly be as suspicious of one another as we want, and it almost feels as though we are vying for Charles' time and energy from opposing sides of the fence. I dream instead of being a united front, both of us on the “make Charles happy” team (his words).

Part 2: My husband struggled for a year with us being open, despite the opening up being his idea. Scott was worried that my connection with Charles was a sign that our marriage did not have the right kind of foundation (I disagree – I like our marriage and am grateful for the many ways we connect with one another and with lovers). So when Scott started dating “Megan” a few months ago, I went into it gently and supportively, having had his support for my relationship with Charles all this time. I was also a bit wary, though, given Scott's shaky assumptions about our own connection. The first problem is that Megan is single and very monogamously-minded. She simply cannot wrap her head around the fact that she has a deep and important connection with a married man. Working with Megan's struggle to accept the poly-ness of this situation has been stressful and causes me to worry that she secretly wishes and plans to have Scott all to herself. Add to it that she refuses to meet me because she'd rather me not be here at all...this is just more than I can support. My husband is out all the time with her and runs at a second's notice to put out the fire any time she cries about this. It is really out of balance, and he is feeling pulled by the opposing forces of two women who love him but aren't necessarily working together for the good of the whole group...we just want him to ourselves, at least right now. This isn't fair to him. I spent some time resenting her and thinking that she was just trying to make my life hard. Then one day, I learned that my inquiry into a job that might cross paths with hers caused her to cry, and I was overcome with compassion for her. I realized for the first time that she is truly having a hard time with this. It occurred to me that she is a deep-feeling, lovely soul who happens to have found a meaningful, intimate connection with a married man despite her personal wishes and ethics about it. Having felt that compassion for her, I can't go back to resenting her. I really feel for her. Now my problem is that I wish she would meet me, so I could explain that I see her side of this.

I have two metamours who prefer to compartmentalize their relationships with the men I love and who do not want to get to know me. I just want to have some time with them to let them know I care for them and to affirm we all want the same thing: for our men to feel loved and be happy. Am I selfish or wrong to want some degree of togetherness with my metamours? Maybe they are happier pretending away reality, and I should move as slowly as the most reluctant part...? My men are trying to behave as compassionately as possible, and although they don't want to push their other partners into meeting me when they aren't ready, they have both been gently pursuing the idea with my metamours. So what can I do now? Is it best to wait for everyone to come around while my men do their gentle work of getting my metamours on board?

Help me out of the cold and into my metamours' hearts,

B

***

Dear B,

I am impressed – and touched – by your letter, and I only wish your metamours could read it. If Jessica and Megan were able to see you for who you really are, I'm sure they would love you.

Of course, that's exactly the problem: they aren't able to see you. They aren't even looking. From your description, it sounds like both of your metamours have their heads deep in the sand of “Let's pretend she doesn't really matter.” Never mind that nothing grows in that sand. Never mind that it's desert all the way down, a fucking wasteland of miserly misery. At least it's better than the existential terror of “Maybe I don't really matter.”

We all want to feel like we matter. Unfortunately, many of us have been taught to measure our self-worth according to how much other people are willing to sacrifice to be with us – which explains why the idea of being someone's “one and only” is so appealing. The twisted logic goes like this: If my lover is willing to forsake all others, past and potential, then I must be incredibly valuable. (“See, I am worth more than all of the rest of them put together! I matter most!”) In contrast, if my lover gives up nothing to be with me, I might be worth nothing. Unless I can prove my value – typically at someone else's expense – I will worry that I am worthless.

No wonder your metamours don't want to see you: seeing you would mean facing their own fears.

Your situation is regrettably common, B. Far too many people in open relationships seem to think they can avoid anxiety by avoiding the people they imagine are causing it – an approach that's just about guaranteed to backfire. As strange as it might seem, meeting your lover's other lover(s) is actually the most effective antidote to the ickiness of jealousy.

You seem to understand this intuitively. The question is, how can you put your knowledge into practice? How do you meet someone who wants nothing more than to keep hiding from you? How do you help someone who doesn't want your help?

<Sigh>

I don't have a good answer for you. There's not a lot of direct action you can take, given the circumstances. You are probably going to have to wait for Jessica and Megan to change their minds about how they want to handle being involved with men who are also involved with you. Your best bet for hurrying this process along is to try to convince Charles and Scott to use their influence to hurry the process along. To that end, it might be a good idea to see whether there is any reluctance on their part: do the men agree with you that it would be in everyone's best interest for you and your metamours to get to know each other better? Do they share your dream, or are they dubious? (In other words, are they pushing gently out of care and concern, or out of lack of conviction? It's an important distinction.)

While you are waiting, you have important work to do: your relationship with your husband is clearly suffering right now. You used the phrase, “This is just more than I can support,” and that's a big red flag. A phrase like that means a line has been crossed. You need to figure out where that line was, and hike right back to it, on the double. Maintaining your personal boundaries is not the same thing as putting your needs above those of others. Quite the contrary: good boundaries are actually a crucial component of compassion. Let your husband know what you need from him in order to support his other relationship, and then expect him to follow through. If it turns out that you cannot support his relationship with Megan unless Megan is willing to meet you, definitely tell him so -- with the understanding that meeting this particular need may not be within his power. In that case, you will have to approach Megan directly. Write her a letter explaining how you feel. Ask to meet her. Let her know that you're making this request because she matters to your husband, which means she also matters to you. Perhaps she'll listen. 

Mallows and willows,
Viny

 

My Metamour Doesn't Know What's Good for Her (And That's Bad for Me)

Dear Viny,

About eight months ago, my husband started dating a friend of ours. (We've been poly for a long time and I also have a long-term partner.) She is not poly nor really poly oriented but had such strong feelings for my husband that she wanted to give it a shot. (I get it. He's a pretty awesome guy.)

She is struggling with reconciling what she wants out of a relationship (and similarly, what she can expect) and what is possible. Unfortunately, her big picture wish list includes a husband and a monogamous relationship. I know this and I can't not know it... especially when she asks for things. I can't help but wonder if she's subconsciously trying to make this fit her needs even if it's fruitless. (And to answer the looming question, I am not concerned she is going to "cowgirl" away my spouse.)

Her getting more pretty much equals me accepting less, and because I can't see this as a "forever" situation, it's difficult to agree. I'll take this moment to say that I already have trouble understanding why anyone would engage in a relationship that ticks a number of the emotional buttons but leaves fundamental things unfulfilled – to each his or her own I suppose, but my brain always comes back to this.

Help.

Sincerely,

Feeling Uncomfortable, Concerned and Kicky-Screamy

***

Dear F.U.C.K.S.,

That's one hell of a sign-off. I may need to establish an award for acronymic awesomeness. (So many of life's difficulties can be made just a little less onerous by getting some small token of recognition, don't you think?)

It seems that this question is a follow-up to a question I received several months ago. What I said then, about letting other people make their own mistakes, is still true. You may be entirely correct in your estimation that your metamour's needs would be better met in a relationship with someone other than your husband. However, monitoring her relationships is her responsibility, not yours. Yes, it is a royal pain when someone else seems to be floundering around, making less-than-enlightened life choices, especially when you are close enough to the flounderer to start worrying for your own emotional safety. But taking on someone else's personal issues is a quick ticket to Crazytown, because ultimately, you have very little control over anyone other than yourself. Influence, yes. Control, no.

The best way to approach this situation, in my opinion, is to operate from the assumption that your friend knows what's best for her, and your husband knows what's best for him – and to make peace with the possibility that what's best for them may include making messes you wish you didn't have to watch them clean up.

Your job is simply to do what's best for you. Obviously, what's best for you will include some consideration of what's best for other people, but stay focused on your relationships with them, rather than worrying about their relationships with each other. And avoid the temptation to wander off into “wonder” land. When you are asked to give, don't waste your precious emotional resources trying to figure out whether your sacrifice will end up being worth what someone else gets out of it. Instead, stick to questions you can actually answer, questions that will help guide you in your own relationships – such as, "How can I support my husband in his other relationship in a way that feels sustainable to me, regardless of what I see as the likely long-term outcome of that other relationship?" And, “How can I engage with my metamour in ways that feel good to me?”

In other words, keep your eyes on your own paper, pumpkin. Easier said than done, I know – especially for those of us who pride ourselves on how well we “read” other people.

Finally, may I suggest spending some one-on-one time with your metamour, sometime soon? Swear off conversing about the heavy relationship stuff, and just have a fun girls' night out. She's your friend, too, and reconnecting with her on that level might help you dial back the judgement and jack up the compassion – which would be good for everyone involved. Perhaps, if your friend feels more globally supported, she will be able to ask less and give more, too.

Peachy schnapps and lemondrops,

Viny

Why Poly Agreements Need a Sunset Clause (Three Men and a Question, Part Two)

Dear Viny,

Thank you for your response. I think you really "got" how I was feeling when I wrote my question. It's so nice to have someone who might understand where I'm coming from.

Since I first wrote - I'm happy to say that my LTR is a bit more receptive to hanging out as a trio. He seems more willing to hang out when the mood strikes, rather than timing it after some arbitrary number of days.

We talked a bit further and he's alright if I meet with the new guy without him (if he's not feeling it, or if he's busy, or for any reason really) though he asked that we do not have any physical contact outside of greeting each other. I'm willing to agree to this in hopes of illustrating my loyalty to him and trustworthiness, though I do hope this might change over time.

I've also communicated to my LTR that I would be fine if the two of them hung out without me. And I gave express consent for them to be physical (anything that we've already done so far as a trio for now) provided they're both safe and honest with me. His response was maybe a bit surprised. I'm not sure how likely he is to take me up on that, though I encouraged him and explained that I would enjoy hearing about the experience after the fact.

Anyways. We're all doing our best I think. I'm reading a lot – Nonviolent Communication, Opening Up, and The Ethical Slut (my least favorite so far) to help me explore this. At the very least, I'm learning a lot about myself and my relationship with everyone around me.

The unknown is very confusing and exciting.

– Wants More

***

Dear Wants,

It's lovely to hear from you again. I am glad your conversations with your LTR partner have been productive, and that you feel like you're learning a lot. Yes, you are absolutely right: striking out into unknown territory can be simultaneously scary and exhilarating.

As someone who has been wandering around in uncharted regions of Alternative Relationship Land for quite some time now, I want to warn you about a particularly treacherous cliff located in Concessions Canyon, because I'm worried you may be headed straight for it.

I understand why you've agreed to your partner's request that you and the new guy not have any physical contact outside of greeting each other. However, I am here to tell you that when you have a major crush on a guy, and he has a major crush on you, and you're hanging out alone together on a regular basis, but you're not supposed to get physical with each other, because one of you has promised your jealous partner that you won't, one of two things is going to happen: 1) you are going to start resenting the hell out of the person who has hobbled your hot-to-trot hooves, and/or 2) someone's resolve is going to slip.

Situation #1 has happened to me. I actually spent an entire sleepless night lying chastely next to someone I desperately wanted to be squished by, or glommed onto, or tangled up with – and why? Because I had promised my boyfriend I'd keep it platonic with this other person. I did manage to keep my promise, but I ended up losing the relationship I thought I was protecting by making that promise. Take-home lesson: resentment is highly toxic to romance and mutual regard.

Situation #2 has happened to more than one friend of mine. Here's an example. Person A and person B were in a long-term and somewhat troubled marriage. Person C, who was good friends with A, began talking to both A and B, in an attempt to help them resolve their marital issues with each other. A, B, and C had long telephone conversations together – which had an unintended consequence: C and B became more and more emotionally intimate with each other. Soon, C and B were talking on the phone together, just the two of them. Then they began falling in love, long-distance. Person A quite naturally became jealous, and put the kibosh on “duo” phone time for C and B, making them both promise not to talk to each other unless it was an ABC trio conversation. They promised. Then A promptly lost interest in having group conversations. After two weeks, C and B, miserable and jonesing, couldn't stand being out of contact any longer. They snuck in a private phone call, late at night – which A found out about. And that was the end of A and B. It was also the end of A and C. Take-home lesson: Concession + Betrayal = Alimony.

It is a well-known fact that prohibiting an activity increases its allure. It is also a well-known fact that people in the thrall of NRE (new relationship energy) want nothing more than to jam their dirty little fingers into that electrifying socket, if you catch my drift. And finally, it is a well-known fact that someone who is on the lookout for reasons to distrust you is gonna find them, every time. For these reasons, I am concerned that your present agreement is a set-up for failure.

I recommend that you establish a time frame for revisiting the agreement about limiting the physical contact between you and the new guy outside of the trio context. Unfortunately, your LTR partner probably doesn't have a lot of incentive to have that conversation, so it may be a bit tricky to set it up – which is why, for future reference, I suggest you include an expiration date, or “sunset clause,” any time you make an agreement you are hoping will be temporary. In other words, you make sure, up front, that the agreement is understood to expire after a certain length of time, unless and until you agree to renew it for another specified length of time. I strongly believe that a sunset clause should be part of any agreement that feels like a concession to jealousy.

Let's say your partner says, “I'm okay with you eating apple slices, as long as you promise never to put any peanut butter on them.” And you are super excited about apple slices. In fact, you are so excited about them, you are willing to forgo peanut butter, even though you suspect that apple slices with peanut butter would be really, really amazing, given what you know about celery sticks with peanut butter. So you say, “Okay, I can promise not to put any peanut butter on my apple slices for the next three weeks. After that, though, I am going to assume I am free to do as I like, unless you specifically tell me you need more time to get used to the idea of me slathering my apple slices in gooey deliciousness.”

Without a sunset clause, you see, the jealous partner has no incentive to revisit the agreement, and the partner who hopes to get permission, eventually, for a dab of peanut butter will wait and hope, and wait and hope – probably in vain. Setting up an agreement that automatically expires on a given date changes the incentive structure: now, it's the jealous partner who must initiate the difficult conversation, if s/he wants the agreement extended. 

If you've already stepped off of the cliff in Concessions Canyon, and you're hanging onto an itty bitty twig, going, "Now she tells me," I'm really sorry. Here's a virtual hand up.

Mandates & Mandrills,

Viny 

Three Men and a Question: How to Negotiate a Polyamorous Triangle? (Part One)

Dear Viny,

I've been in a monogamous relationship (M/M) with my partner for ten years now. In the past year or so he has hinted at adding a third but also sort of brushed it under the rug and teased me for being a prude (I'm not, though I wasn't really bothered by this). I eventually called him on his bluff and said we should go for it.

We talked about it at length -- what type of guy we wanted, what we would do with this person, what was off limits, where we would find him, etc. My partner is in a somewhat public field so I did the search online myself, though we both chatted with the responses until we found someone respectful that we both dug.

We met this third and everything went really well. I felt thrilled during and after and was glowing all week. My LTR partner was also very into it and we checked in with each other about this. I was really surprised how into it I was – to be honest, I have sort of looked down on open/poly relationships in the past. We made plans to meet again and in the past month or so have hung out and slept with this guy several times together.

The problem that I'm having now, though, is that I want to see him even more often. I've checked in with him to see how he feels with things and he has told me he's very happy and also wants to see us both more. I recognize that I have developed "crushy" feelings towards this guy and that they will dissipate with time, but regardless they make me want more of him both physically and socially. I am not worried at all about losing interest in my LTR and have explained this to my LTR partner and believe he understands. Even still – the more interested I get in this third, the more my LTR partner seems to pull away from him. I don't feel comfortable bringing his name up at this point even though I feel it has brought a newfound passion into my LTR and has benefited us both. I'm crushing on this new guy a bit, but I'm also crushing on my LTR in ways I haven't felt in a long time.

I'm very communicative and my LTR partner tends to be reserved and frustrated when I push to tackle issues like this. I have a hard time reserving my emotions and that can make me seem over-eager. I'm having trouble understanding how best to communicate what I want without sounding like I'm beating a dead horse. I've tried to turn all my excitement back on my LTR partner and that is working well at helping me deal with all this energy, but it isn't really advancing the new relationship in a way that I would like it to.

I don't have any friends I feel comfortable enough opening up to about this just yet. I have no problem being open if I know all three of us are on board, but right now my LTR partner is waffling a bit and I'm really worried. A door has opened for me and I don't want it closed just yet. How can I better communicate this without frustrating my LTR partner?

Thanks for your thoughts.

Sincerely,

Wants More (and more)

***

[NOTE: the following reply is an edited version of a personal email sent to "Wants" on 8/7. His response, along with my subsequent reply, will be posted in Part Two.] 

Dear Wants,

Since you are obviously chomping at the bit, and since I don't have time to write a full-length reply until after I return from an upcoming backpacking/camping adventure, my "what you can do right now" advice is to go to your LTR partner and say something like, "Hey, how would you feel about me seeing X [the new guy] on my own this week? It seems like you may be pulling back, or becoming less interested, and I don't want you to feel pressured to get together with him if you'd rather not – but it's definitely something I'd like to do."

I know you said you don't want to seem too eager, but the truth is, you ARE eager – and this approach is at least less likely to annoy your partner than, "When can we do another threesome? How 'bout now? No? Okay, how 'bout now?" Asking your partner how he feels about you seeing the new guy on your own also has the advantage of giving him an opening to talk about how he's feeling about other things, if he wants to, without demanding that he "process" everything with you. (I have been in your shoes before, and I know how frustrating it can be when an LTR partner – who is not feeling particularly motivated to help move things along, or even to discuss why he seems to be balking – seemingly has control over the pacing of a new relationship. And while we're at it, why is it that taciturn reluctance so often has more say-so than loquacious exuberance? Why does the person who doesn't want to talk always get the last word? Argh! End of rant.)

This all presupposes that you would be okay with seeing your crush on your own, so long as your partner is okay with it. If seeing the new guy on your own isn't something you're willing to do, or if your partner really doesn't like the idea, then you've got more thinking (and more waiting around impatiently!) to do. If your partner does give the go-ahead on a duo date, then your next step is to ask the new guy if he would be okay getting together with just you.

It's rarely the case that two people are equally interested in the exact same type of relationship with a third person, which is why it's my opinion that the individual is the fundamental building block in every relationship, whether or not that individual happens to be coupled. I wonder if this is a conclusion more likely to be reached by heterosexual couples in open relationships, who are much more likely to form V's than triangles.... Stay tuned for more on this topic later. Meanwhile, thanks for writing, and good luck!

Cookies & Cacophony,
Viny

My Contributor's Copy of Stories from the Polycule Is Here!

Look what I found in my mailbox!

Contributors' copies of Stories from the Polycule, an anthology edited by Dr. Elisabeth Sheff, have arrived. My son and I both have stories included, so I was really pleased to see how well the anthology turned out. Books don't ship to the public until October, but you can pre-order a copy through Powell's, Amazon, or iTunes.

How Do I Get My Relatives to Accept My OSO as Part of the Family?

Dear Viny,

I'm poly, married, and struggling to integrate my boyfriend of four years ("Ben") with my blood relatives. We don't really talk about things in my family. My parents and siblings were pretty accepting when I came out about three years ago, but they've been resistant to treating Ben as a partner on similar footing with my husband ("Harry"). They mostly pretend Ben doesn't exist.

We do a big family trip with spouses/SO's every other year. During last year's trip, I mentioned to my dad that I'd like to bring Ben to a family gathering, possibly but not necessarily Christmas. He said they'd have to think on it, because it would change the dynamic, and that I should remember he and my mom get a say in who comes to their house. I thought maybe they'd talk offline and get back to me, but it's been radio silence since and I'm too chicken to bring it up. When my parents visit me they hang out with Ben, and Harry's girlfriend too, and it's not even that awkward. But when we talk on the phone and I mention something that Ben and I did together, they don't respond.

Now we're planning next year's trip and I want Ben to come but I'm not sure how to bring it up or how much to fight for it. I know he'd like to be included, but that he's not going to push me one way or the other. And that it'd be completely awkward. I get pissed off just thinking about it because his family has always been nice to me, and even included Harry in their Thanksgiving last year like it was no big thing. I think if I was gay, or fostering a troubled teen, or had a baby, or broke up with Harry and was seeing someone new, I wouldn't be getting nonsense about the "family dynamic" and it makes me angry.

Help! Am I being horrible to my boyfriend by not including him in my family stuff like the life partner that he is? If so, how do I get my parents to be comfortable with him? What do I say to my brother and SIL who are concerned about their grade school age kids' reaction?

Regards,

Vacillating Vacationer

***

Dear Vacillating,

No, you're not being horrible. You're being sandwiched: between the crustiness of conventional morality – which allows you to have ONE partner, and ONE partner only – and the moldy misery of raining on the family picnic with your poly weirdness.

Like you, I have a sincere desire to do right by ALL of my family members, and like you, I have some family members who would be offended if I had the audacity to insist that they treat ALL of my family members with equal respect and consideration. We have every right to be angry, you and I: we know that introducing a new family member ought to be cause for celebration. And we also know that your dad's mealy-mouthed excuse about not wanting to change the family “dynamic” is garbage – after all, the very word “dynamic” implies change, rather than stasis, and healthy families end up weathering all kinds of dynamic changes, good and bad, without coming unglued.

Unfortunately, our righteous indignation isn't going to get us anywhere. Most families have very static ideas about what kinds of changes are a normal part of family life, and any overt attempt to change those parameters will be met with resistance and resentment. As far as our folks are concerned, showing up to the family reunion with two partners is like showing up with two heads: super freaky. Don't try to tell them it's normal. It offends their sensibilities.

In order for your parents to invite Ben to the next family gathering, one of two things would have to happen: either you would have to force their hand (e.g., by refusing to attend unless both of your partners are invited), or you would have to somehow convince your entire family that basic decency demands they treat Ben the same way they treat Harry.

The first approach has some advantages: it's quick and dirty, and it immediately puts the ball in someone else's court. It also has some potentially serious disadvantages. Best-case scenario, your parents give in and invite Ben as well as Harry, and all three of you have to endure the awkwardness of feeling like unwelcome guests. Worst-case scenario, you and your family end up permanently estranged from each other.

The second approach – getting your family to re-define “normal” – is impossible, for reasons I've already outlined above.

My advice, then, is to give up on the project of getting your parents to invite Ben on next year's family trip, and to focus instead on the real prize: making it possible for your family to recognize Ben as someone who belongs. And to win that prize, you're probably going to have to sneak him in through the back door – verrrry, verrrry slooooowly.

I am currently in the process of sneaking Cam, my boyfriend of several years, in through the family back door. I expect it will be many more years before he's officially recognized as a family “insider”, but we are definitely making progress. Just two days ago, Cam showed up at a family reunion of all the relatives on my mother's side of the family – uninvited, I might add – and he was treated with courtesy and kindness for the entire thirty minutes he was there.

The keys to our (admittedly modest) success? Patience, peer pressure, and plausible deniability.

Let me explain. I came out as poly to my parents nine years ago, and it was a pretty traumatic experience. They made it clear that they had no interest in even meeting any of my “extraneous people.” So when I arranged for my parents to meet Cam, two years ago, I made sure it was in a context that felt as normal to them as possible. And I did not inform them of my plans beforehand. We were at a public park. My parents had joined me, my husband Parker, and our daughter on a little excursion; I texted Cam to let him know where we were; he and his wife showed up at the park with their dog; everyone said hello. It was all very spontaneous, and we did not discuss the meeting afterward. A few months later, Cam and I took my daughter with us on a trip to meet his parents (who are extremely sweet and accepting of me), and I made sure to mention to my parents where we were, and whom we were visiting. A few months after that, Cam stayed with me, Parker, and our two kids at my mother-in-law's house, and I made sure my parents knew about that visit. Since my parents and Parker's mother live in the same city, this visit afforded me the opportunity of inviting my parents to join me, my daughter, my mother-in-law, and Cam on a picnic one day. My parents wanted to see their granddaughter, so they accepted. The picnic was a success: everyone behaved, the conversation was pleasant, and no one pointed out how strange it was that we were all hanging out together. Then, my brother and his wife invited me and Cam to their house for tea, and my brother told me afterward how “surprised” he was to realize that Cam and I have a relationship that's “of the same caliber” as my relationship with Parker.

When Cam showed up at my Auntie Ell's ranch two days ago, he was on his way home from a backpacking trip. It was all very convenient. Yes, we had planned his trip knowing that it might give him a good excuse to drop in on my big family gathering – and this bit of maneuvering had the desired effect. He got to meet many of my relatives, but no one felt threatened by his presence. I did not “make a scene” by introducing him as my partner, but several of my cousins know who he is and how he's related to me, and they all made a point of welcoming him. My mother was downright friendly. As long as I don't embarrass her by making her admit he's part of the family, she's free to enjoy his presence among us. One low-key visit at a time, Cam is becoming become more and more familiar to my blood relatives. At some point, he'll be so familiar that it will start seeming weird not to invite him to our family gatherings. That's the hope, anyway.

It's okay to take it slowly. Just remember what your real goal is, and keep moving in the right direction.

Rice and Roses,

Viny