My Parents Don't Accept My Poly Relationships, Part 2: An Answer from Viny

Dear Viny,

It's been three months since you wrote me with a question about how to become more comfortable being your authentic self around your parents, preferably without causing them too much discomfort in the process.

You: a past self, writing in a moment of distress. Me: a present self, writing in a moment of relative calm, finally ready to formulate an answer.

Here's my best advice: Just keep working on it. And be patient with yourself. These things take time.

You knew that was going to be the answer back when you asked the question, but you asked anyway, because you wanted the travelogue: how did we get from you-then to me-now? (Sidenote: one of the things I've learned by moonlighting as an advice columnist is that someone who can formulate a clear question probably already knows the answer to it. My job is just to build a bridge, a satisfying arc between Q and A.)

So, this post is going to be a record of a few of the things that happened while I was becoming three months wiser than I used to be.

But first, I want to thank everyone who responded to my request for help, either publicly or privately. Apparently, I am not the only person in the world who gets stressed out whenever the parentals descend for a visit. As one particularly witty person put it, “I pretty much want to dunk my head in a toilet bowl of gin when it's over.” Amen to that, sister! And special thanks goes to the dear friend who decided to see if she could “channel Viny” after reading my blog post. She wrote me a long email, identifying three separate-but-connected issues and tackling each one in turn – namely: 1) how to make peace with my parents given the fact that they don't accept my life; 2) how to deal with a parent who has dementia; and 3) how to get support from my tribe when my parents are in town without offending my parents. I appreciated her advice about trying to model the tolerance I wish my parents would show for me, and I loved her suggestion that I consider moving my relationship with my parents “to a more neutral location, like the mailbox.” I couldn't help but picture miniature versions of me and my folks sitting in lotus poses atop a cushy stack of outgoing letters, waiting for the postal carrier to let in some light.

And now, back to the travelogue. I'll begin with the three big trips I took in May. I kicked off the month with a personal retreat to Breitenbush hot springs, courtesy of my extremely thoughtful husband, whose birthday present to me was the gift of some much-needed alone time. Next, there was the strangely illuminating journey to Planet Shroom. And finally, there was my last-minute flight to Salt Lake City at the end of the month to attend a funeral. My father's younger sister, age 60, died from choking on a gum ball. It was an unexpected but merciful reprieve: she had been dealing with severe depression for decades.

I learned a lot during my (literal and figurative) travels. Too much to recount here. But I do want to share one glittery bit that I brought back from Planet Shroom. Truthfully, I'm not much of a psychonaut: I vastly prefer hanging out at home, chillaxing in my boring, beige, business-as-usual brain. I have to admit, though, that each of the five or six times in my life I've traveled to the far-out, fungus-enhanced reaches of my own consciousness, I've come back with a small treasure. This time, it was an epiphany about the importance of cultivating clearer emotional boundaries between myself and others. After spending several hours mixing myself up with my husband – seriously, when I looked at him, what I saw was not him, but us: a mishmash of facial features, mine and his, like some bizarre photoshop experiment – I realized that this is what I tend to do with people I love. Connect. Combine. Confuse. In other words, being a natural empath has been both a blessing and a curse. It's often been a curse when it comes to interacting with my needy, mercurial father, who has always seen me as an extension of himself. I am supposed to read his moods and respond appropriately, since he is completely incapable of reading my moods and responding appropriately. It's like he's missing a limb, and that limb is empathy, and somehow it becomes my job to be his prosthesis. But the next time I get sucked into this crippling dynamic, I intend to remind myself: "We're mixing us up again...."

Enough of that. On to June and July, which have been a blur of activity. Summer is always the busiest season for my husband's business, which means that it necessarily becomes more of a family business: I pitch in, and our 17-year-old son babysits his 6-year-old sister. And this time of year, there's also the garden – or rather, the GARDENS – to tend to: we live in an ecovillage, and I am currently serving a stint as the harvest coordinator for all the berry bushes and fruit trees. (Apples, pears, and figs – oh, my!) Oh, and of course there was my performance with the Mystery Box Show, which was hugely rewarding, but took up a lot of time and mental energy. Add to all of that the task of keeping up with family, friends, and lovers, and you'll understand why Dear Viny has been uncharacteristically quiet of late. However, in the interstices between this'n'that, I have managed to do some “big picture” plotting, and I'm happy to unveil the newest sub-scheme in my grand scheme to be more myself around my parents.

Next week is our annual family reunion, which I was in charge of planning this year. I found a large cabin in the mountains above Salt Lake City that will accommodate my parents, my two siblings and their respective families, and me and my family. Part of my family, that is. But after the official reunion is over, my husband and kids and I will move to my mother-in-law's house, where a certain Extraneous Person will be joining us. After a couple of days, my husband and son will be returning home, while I and my daughter and the Extraneous Person stay on for the entire first week of August. My husband's mom is cool with that. My husband's sister, who lives just up the street with her husband and three kids, is also cool with that. My brother and his wife, who live across town, have graciously invited me and my daughter and the Extraneous Person over to their house for dinner on August 2, so apparently they're cool with that, too. In other words: some of the members of my extended family seem to think that a man I have been dating for two years deserves to be treated like a legitimate part of the family. Pretty amazing, huh? (No, really: it is amazing. It's taken fifteen years to get here, and I'm feeling celebratory.)

My parents don't know about any of these arrangements yet. But they are going to find out. And I bet it's going to get interesting. Wish me luck.

Well, it's time to wrap this up and get to work on the latest round of manuscripts I need to edit before I can go on vacation. (I swear, every time I free up a couple of days to focus on my writing, a bunch of my editing clients suddenly swoop down, like vultures to the call of carrion.) One last thing before I go, though: Remember how, on the morning when you wrote your question, you had just come back from a run? Back then, five laps around the track was pretty much the limit of what you could do. This morning, I ran eight laps, and I probably could have kept on going if I'd wanted to. You see? We're making progress, one step at a time. Just keep putting your best foot forward, sweetie. I'll be cheering you on.

Patience & Impatiens,

Viny

[UPDATE, post-vacay: It went exceedingly, shockingly well! I actually have a photograph of my father sitting right next to my darling E.P., who has now officially met both of my parents and both of my siblings. Yes, the unconventional nature of our relationship was a big pink elephant on the picnic table, but everyone was polite, and no shots were fired. I call that an unqualified success!]

Balancing the Budget: Financial Fairness in Open Relationships

Dear Viny,

I am the sole breadwinner for my family of four. My job supports me, my wife, and our two daughters, both of whom are in college. Between debts, mortgages, car payments, school tuition, mobile phone contracts, and all our other household and life expenses, most months we just manage to break even financially. My wife is a homemaker, and doesn't bring in any income, but does the general household maintenance for us.

We are in a plural/poly relationship, and I have another partner who I am committed to, and see quite often. Recently, my wife has begun exploring the world of online dating -- and she's been getting quite a bit of attention. She spends a lot of time texting and talking on the phone with new acquaintances, and is actively dating some of them. She has even taken a few flights to meet people she has met online, but who are not local.

Here's what is bugging me: even though I have always seen the money I make as "our" money, I now am conscious of the fact that so much of her time -- and MY money (Ha! Do you smell a ratty double standard?) -- are being invested in her outside relationships. I haven't addressed this with her because, after all, I can't pretend that my other relationship has been without its time and financial costs as well. Nevertheless, I'm feeling a bit used! Please advise.

-Bill Foot


***

Dear Bill,

Anecdotal evidence, which has since been confirmed by painstaking research (um... okay, a 5-minute perusal of Google results for “what do couples fight about most often?”), suggests that SEX and MONEY are waaay up there when it comes to the topics most likely to cause conflict in a marriage. Combine the two, throw in some jealousy, mix unevenly, and you've got yourself a recipe for one seriously craptastic casserole.

Let's start with the blandly obvious, shall we? I assume it's already occurred to you that you'd be feeling less financially pinched, and less put-upon, if your wife were to get a paying job. Running the household may have been a full-time job when your kids were younger, but now that your daughters are in college, your wife might consider turning some of her newly freed-up time into money. I suspect, however, that this simple solution is unworkable for some reason, or you wouldn't be asking me for advice.

So, here are three experiments you can try – and please note that not one of them requires you or your wife to make any more money than you currently do!

Experiment #1. How about a trial separation of (some of) your joint finances? My husband and I came up with this experiment about ten years ago, and it was such a success that we've managed our money this way ever since. Here's how it works. Regardless of who makes what, you and your wife have a certain amount of money coming in each month. Figure out how much money remains after you've met all your fixed expenses (e.g., house payment, car payment, utility bills, the monthly amount you have to set aside for your annual property taxes, etc.). Then itemize every other type of expense that you both agree is a necessity (e.g., groceries), budget a reasonable amount for those items/activities, and subtract that. Any remaining money gets divided up evenly between the two of you. That way, you each have an agreed-upon amount to spend on purely personal choices: dates with other people, luxurious morning lattes, that new set of matching towels your spouse thinks is an extravagance as long as the old threadbare ones can still absorb water, etc. If you and your wife can both keep track of your personal spending on paper, great. If not, an envelope full of cash disbursed at the beginning of the month will also work. It may seem like you're making a completely semantic distinction by dividing your total household income into “ours together” and “ours, separately, split equally among individuals” but I highly recommend this method of balancing the marital budget for open couples (and triads, quads, etc.) who choose to pool their financial resources. It circumvents a lot of potential squabbles and resentments.

Experiment #2. This one is trickier, but basically, you're going to do the same thing with time that you did with money in the first experiment. Together, you and your wife have 48 hours in a day, 336 hours in a week, and about 1460 hours in a typical month. Figure out how many hours each of you spends sleeping, on average, and subtract that. Then subtract the time you spend at your job, and the time your wife spends on general household maintenance. Then itemize every other task that you both agree must be done in order for the household to run smoothly, figure out how much time each of these tasks takes, and subtract that. At the end of all this accounting, the number you'll be left with is the number of hours you have for discretionary activities. Divide those hours equally between you. Then, for an entire month, keep track of how you ACTUALLY spend your time by jotting down everything you did, and how long it took, at the end of every day. (Yes, the accounting is a pain, but you're gathering important information.) Over the course of the month, the challenge will be for each of you to spend as much of your personal “free” time as you can without going over budget. At the end of the month, share your tallies, reflect on what got done and what didn't, and see what you can learn. If it turns out that there are serious inequities, it will be easier to address them once you have concrete data.

Experiment #3. Guesstimate the amount of time and money your wife currently spends on her dating life, and answer the following question for yourself: If your wife were investing the same amount of time and money on some other purely personal pursuit – plein air painting, say, or running marathons – would you still be feeling used? If your answer is “no,” or even “not as much,” then I think you need to take a good look at why not.

I have a hunch that when you say you are feeling “used,” what you really mean is that you are feeling afraid. Back when there were no other applicants for your job as breadwinner, you may have occasionally wondered whether your wife values you principally for the financial support you've been able to provide her, but it was probably just a niggling, gnawing little fear. Now that she's begun dating, this fear is gnashing at you, roaring, red in tooth and claw. After all, if she only cares about your money, she will probably leave you if she ever finds a better deal. And if she does end up exchanging you for a guy (or gal) with a fatter wallet, you are going to feel like the biggest chump in the world for actively bankrolling your wife's search for the chump she finds to replace you.

Insecurities that are common enough in monogamous relationships tend to get magnified in openly non-monogamous relationships. According to some, that's a pretty compelling argument in favor of monogamy. I disagree. I think the magnifying lens of sexual jealousy gives us an opportunity to recognize our insecurities for what they really are, and deal with them accordingly. And I think it also shows us what's been hiding under the toasted breadcrumbs and melted cheese of popular discourse, feeding our fears.

The other day, one of my less-enlightened Facebook friends posted the following quote: “A successful man is one who earns more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” This particular gem can be traced back to Lana Turner, a Hollywood star from the 50's who was married eight times, to seven different men. Bracketing everything I find deeply irritating about it [sexism! gender stereotyping! heteronormativity! OMFG, can we just stop already?!], I think Turner's witticism points to a cultural norm that's still operative in many traditional male-female marriages: men are encouraged to gauge their self-worth according to how much money they make; women are encouraged to gauge their self-worth according to how much money someone else is willing to spend on them.

The point I'm trying to make here is that you and your wife, along with just about everyone else wandering around on this tiny white'n'blue marble we call home, want desperately to be valued. The problem is, we have all kinds of crazy ideas about what makes us valuable: sketchy, way-past-the-expiration-date notions about sex, money, and the putative differences between men and women. (Fucked-up shit, in other words. The main ingredient in every nasty casserole.) No wonder we treat each other like commodities! No wonder we act as though there's a price on our heads! No wonder so many of us waste obscene amounts of time and money trying to find out exactly what that price tag says – looking in every mirror, scrutinizing every selfie, asking everyone we meet the same monotonous question, over and over: “How much am I worth to you?”

Unfortunately, I don't have a magic pepper grinder (one twist of my wrist makes your mess taste great!), but I do have this refreshing truth to offer you: Everyone – male, female, intersex, genderqueer, and gender-neutral – is intrinsically, immeasurably valuable. You don't need to prove your worth, Bill. You're priceless.

Shillings and Sunshine,
Viny

Why Polygamy Is Not Ethical Non-Monogamy

Dear Viny,

I was wondering what your take on polygamy is, given that you believe in what I think you call "ethical non-monogamy." Are you okay with polygamy? Do you think it should be outlawed? I recently watched a video about a polygamous "sister wife" and she said she was very jealous at first of another sister-wife having sex with their shared husband, but that she eventually realized that she could "want for you what I desire for me." She equated it to the "pure love of Christ." Is that what you're talking about?

Signed,

Is there a difference?

***

Dear Wondering,

Since I'm a word-nerd, I need to point out that polygamy comes from the late Greek πολυγαμία, which means marriage to many. In its stripped-of-connotation, purely definitional form, the term covers any type of non-monogamy in which more than two partners consider themselves to be married to one another. (I say “consider themselves to be married” because most countries, including the U.S., do not currently recognize polygamous marriages.) I have no problem with group marriage, either in theory or in practice, as long as each person in the group is a consenting adult. However, the video you watched was about a family that practices a culturally specific, religious form of polygamy that could more accurately be described by the word polygyny (poly = many; gyne = woman/wife). I do have a problem with this particular version of polygamy, for two reasons: 1) in my opinion, religious fundamentalism is simply crawling with dangerous memes; and 2) the way in which group marriage is practiced among fundamentalist sects is frequently unethical.

In order to explain why I don't think religious polygamy is properly covered by the “ethical non-monogamy” umbrella, even as broad as that is, I'd like to share the Ethical Sex Manifesto I'm currently working on as part of the book I'm writing. {NOTE: this manifesto is a WORK IN PROGRESS. Please feel free to chime in with comments/feedback/questions/suggestions! Thanks!}

ETHICAL SEX IS CHARACTERIZED BY:

AUTONOMY

• My sexuality is mine, and mine alone. I have the right to think whatever I think and feel whatever I feel. I also have the right to express (or repress) my own sexuality in any way I choose, as long as doing so harms no one else in any way I could have foreseen and prevented.
• Your sexuality is yours, and yours alone. It is my moral responsibility to respect your autonomy: I will never impose myself upon you. I will engage with you sexually only with your informed consent and express permission. If I know that you are unable to give informed consent and express permission, I will refrain from engaging with you sexually, and I will protect you from harm by doing what I can to ensure that others respect your autonomy.
• We are all connected. Sex between truly autonomous individuals is one manifestation of this deeper truth.

EQUALITY

• Every human being has the same inviolable right to autonomous sexual expression, regardless of ability to exercise it. Someone who is temporarily impaired (e.g., not sober, not awake) has not given up that right. Someone who is permanently impaired (e.g., physically or mentally disabled) has not given up that right.
• Some people (e.g., children, elders, developmentally delayed individuals) may need guidance or assistance so that they do not express their sexuality in ways that harm themselves or cause distress to others, but I will not assume that these people have no sexual needs.
• I will do my part to work against systems of oppression that marginalize individuals on the basis of gender, gender expression, sexual orientation, body type, relationship status, or any other aspect of sexuality.

HONESTY

• I will give you any information you need in order to give your consent to any sexual activity we engage in together. I will ask you for any information I need in order to give my consent. And I will do everything I can to ensure that everyone whose sexual health could be affected by my choices has access to any information they need in order to make their own choices.
• I will be clear about my yes and no.
• I will not play sexual games unless all players have agreed to the rules.

FLUIDITY

• No sexual “contract” is binding. People can always change their minds, which means that consent is necessarily a continuing dialogue. I will never hold you to a promise you made on behalf of your future self: I understand that if you ever rescind your permission, you are now saying no, regardless of what you might have said earlier.

HUMILITY

• I don't know everything there is to know about sex, ethics, or any other topic. I assume that you know more about your sexuality than I do, and I will behave accordingly.
• In general, I will avoid interfering in other people's sex lives. Consenting adults do not need my approval to engage in sexual activities of their choosing. If intervention becomes necessary because someone's sexual autonomy is being violated, I will defer to group consensus on the best course of action to take. 
• My definition of ethical sex is my definition. I understand that your definition may be different.

As you can see, polygamy – at least as it is usually practiced among fundamentalist Mormons and other fringe religious groups in the U.S. – completely bombs my “Is it ethical?” litmus test. In these groups, wives and children are too often treated like property, teenage girls can be married off to old men against their will, and religious leaders work to create a climate of paranoid secrecy. In short, this kind of polygamy is a set-up not just for unethical sex as *I* have defined it, but also for widely-recognized violations of individual rights ranging from marital rape to the systematic sexual abuse of children.

So, to answer your question: Yes, Wondering, there is a difference. A HUGE difference.

No, I'm not saying religious polygamy is all bad, or that everyone practicing it is necessarily either a perpetrator or a victim of sexual abuse. Nor am I trying to claim that there are no similarities between religious polygamy and what I consider to be more ethical forms of non-monogamy. For example, I have no doubt that the polygamous woman in the documentary you watched has experienced the joys of compersion, a neologism coined by the polyamorous crowd that means something like, “the feeling that comes from taking pleasure in a loved one's pleasure.” I can see why a sister-wife might have equated this wonderful feeling with the "pure love of Christ" – but I would argue that the spiritual benefit of compersion comes at great cost whenever it occurs in a larger context of coercion.

Finally, I found it interesting that you asked me whether I think polygamy ought to be outlawed. As I've already noted, polygamous marriages aren't legally recognized, and some of the practices common among fundamentalist groups (e.g., arranged “marriages” in which girls as young as 13 or 14 are paired with much older men) are actually punishable violations in the U.S., and many other countries, too. For all intents and purposes, then, religious polygamy has already been outlawed. Did you mean to ask whether I thought polygamy ought to be somehow stopped? Well, that's a tricky one. Let me preface my answer by noting that modern-day religious fundamentalists refer to their doctrine of plural marriage as “The Principle.” I'm always going to put people above principles – my own included.

Beets and Beatitudes,

Viny

When Mum's the Word: Respecting Different Approaches to Ethical Non-Monogamy

Dear Viny,

I'm wondering if you have any insights about how to deal with generational differences in poly relationships.

Currently, I am involved with someone much older than I am. He grew up during the 60's, when the free love movement was just beginning. He has told me stories about sitting in the back seat of cars, making out with chicks, and no one would mention birth control or even discuss whether or not to have sex, just so that if anything were to happen, it would be the result of a spontaneous accident. As a child of the 80's who grew up during the AIDS epidemic, I remember sitting in the back seat of cars, making out with boys, and asking, “Baby, did you bring a condom?” without missing a beat.

Skipping ahead a few decades, we now have a situation in which my lover and I have different approaches to being in an open relationship. Before entering into a space of physical intimacy, we both spoke with our spouses. My husband and I opened our marriage eight years ago, and are very comfortable with these kinds of conversations, but this was a new topic for my lover and his wife. During their conversation, which I was not present for, they agreed to a variation of the “Don't Ask, Don't Tell” approach, which I don't clearly understand. She has since made several friendly overtures toward me and my family, and this has been reassuring. However, she and I have never had a meaningful conversation, much less talked about boundaries, scheduling, sexual hygiene, or any of the other conversations we poly folks are accustomed to having.

My lover's wife is not interested in having a sexual relationship with anyone at this point in her life (not even her husband – they haven't had sex in several years). Still, I'm feeling anxious about their arrangement. It's not that I think he is being unethical. I am pretty sure he is following the “rules” of his marriage. My problem is that I don't understand those rules. I feel like the American poly Eliza Doolittle at the hush-hush Euro-style party, and I'm worried I'm going to make a faux pas and not even understand the nature of the mistake.

I want to let my lover and his wife handle their marriage their own way. At the same time, I want to feel more at peace. Are there constructive changes I could propose, while still being respectful of generational differences in our approaches?

– Rio, dancing on quicksand

***

Dear Rio,

Based on my own intimacies (sexual and platonic) with people 15+ years older than myself, people my own age, and people 15+ years younger, I might be able to make a few generalizations about possible generational differences – for example, “Older people are more likely to think of sex as a private matter, and less likely to enjoy electronic dance music,” or, “Younger people are more likely to feel comfortable sharing graphic pics/videos of themselves, and less likely to use apostrophes when texting.” However, I don't think these kinds of generalizations are particularly helpful when it comes to developing and maintaining authentic relationships. We fall in love with individuals, not with broad cultural patterns or statistical likelihoods. One of my long-term partners was born before 1960, and he's one of the most sexually open people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. When I first met his family, I was surprised – and delighted! – by the ease with which he and his siblings talked and joked about sex-related topics with their 80-year-old parents. Clearly, they didn't get that “Leave It to Beaver” memo about keeping bedroom talk in the bedroom, under the covers, with the lights off.

I'm not sure it matters why your lover and his wife are choosing to handle things differently than you and your husband do. It might be due to the fact that they're older, or it might be due to some other factor or combination of factors. In any case, the real problem here is not the age difference. The real problem is the lack of communication. And this one is a particularly sticky wicket, because you can't exactly solve it by communicating about it! Unfortunately, when one person wants to talk and another does not, the person who says “no” always wins.

You're in a really frustrating position, Rio. Your lover's wife has not agreed to have a direct relationship with you, and she has no incentive to go along with any changes you might propose, no matter how constructive they might be. If you tell your lover, “I need your wife to communicate with me,” or even, “I need you and your wife to communicate with each other about me,” you would be putting him in a frustrating position: he would have to choose whose stated needs to honor, yours or hers. And no one wants to be cast as the “middle man” in that kind of power play. (Ah, yes, the circular argument: if only you could speak to his wife directly....)

I suggest you step back from this whole convoluted mess for a moment to focus on the person you have the greatest chance of changing: yourself. Who are you, and what do you need from others in order to show up as your authentic self in your relationships? Where are you willing to stretch, and where are you in danger of snapping?

Take a good look at whether you are honoring your own boundaries in this relationship. Your lover and his wife have set their boundaries. You need to set yours, and then determine whether there is enough space in between for a relationship to flourish. Do you have any relationship deal-breakers? For me, dishonesty and unwillingness to disclose information I need in order to protect my sexual health are definite deal-breakers. You don't seem to be worried that your lover hasn't given you the straight story, and (assuming he's been truthful with you about being in a sexless marriage, and truthful with his wife about being in a sexual relationship with you) it isn't strictly necessary for you and his wife to communicate about sexual hygiene. But are there any other consequences of “Don't Ask, Don't Tell” that you are not okay with? If so, you need to discuss these deal-breakers with your lover.

It may be that you don't yet know what all of your boundaries are, and that's fine. Give it some time. Drawing clear boundaries takes years of practice and a super steady hand. Your lover and his wife are new to this – and so, in some respects, are you. They are new to ethical non-monogamy, and you are new to their way of being ethically non-monogamous. Given sufficient time and increased levels of trust, people's boundaries often shift. Perhaps your lover's wife will eventually feel more comfortable talking openly about your sexual relationship with her husband. Or perhaps you won't mind catering to her wishes after you get to know her well enough to understand why she might prefer privacy to disclosure.

Meanwhile, don't be afraid to fuck up. Do your best to honor the agreement your lover has made with his wife, but only to the extent that you feel comfortable doing so. In my opinion, you ought to err on the side of saying too much rather than too little, since your preference is to communicate more openly. If something you do turns out to've been a faux pas, be grateful: you can learn a lot from a few mis-steps! If you find that you keep tripping over the same sharp rock in the green pasture of love – and no one else is on board with painting it day-glo orange so that you can see it better, and there's no way you're gonna get the go-ahead to dig it up and drag it somewhere safer – you will know you need to move the fence until that particular rock lies outside your stated boundaries.

So, my fair lady, please repeat after me: the rhine in spine falls minely on the pline....

Dipthongs and derring-do,

Viny

Metamour Allergies: I Can't Stand My Partner's Other Partner

Dear Viny,

I really, really, *really* don't like my partner's other partner. However, he is completely enamored with this person. I fear that he's too wrapped up in NRE to see what's going on. What should I do?

- Totally Irritated

***

Dear Irritated,

Unfortunately, the only known antidote to New Relationship Energy is time. Right now, your partner has those rose-colored wraparounds firmly affixed to his head with hormonal superglue, two balls of twine, a studded collar, and fifty yards of fuschia duct tape: there is nothing you can do or say that will make him see his lover through your eyes.

Unless you have serious concerns about your own or your partner's long-term health and/or immediate safety, the best course of action is probably to wait this one out. That can be tough when you're sneezing and wheezing and scratching at your metamour-induced hives, I realize. So here are a few suggestions for things you can do during the time it's going to take for your partner to come to his senses:

1) Check Your Own Lenses. Your partner may be too in love to see clearly, but what makes you so sure your own vision is any clearer? Are you looking at the world through the green-tinted glasses of jealousy or envy? If so, you have some work to do.
2) Gather More Information. Find out what you can about the person your partner thinks is so great. Approach this task in a spirit of curiosity and open inquiry, keeping in mind how easy it is to make snap judgments out of ignorance and/or fear. The point here is to understand the relationship dynamic better, not to add to your long list of dislikes.
3) Monitor Your Exposure. It's important to strike a balance between too much Metamour and too little. Are you spending too much time interacting with your partner's partner? Or do you go out of your way to avoid each other? Similarly, do you and your partner spend most of your time processing his other relationship and your negative feelings about it, or are you not communicating about it enough? Either extreme can be problematic.
4) Shift Your Focus. Obsessing about your irritations is a great way to make sure you feel irritated constantly. Try thinking about something else for a change. No, I'm not suggesting that you repress your negative feelings. Keeping the lid on seething resentments means that someone is bound to get scalded the next time you blow off some steam. Accept your feelings. Express them to your partner and/or your metamour, if necessary – as gently and thoughtfully as you can – and then move on.
5) Take Care of Yourself and Your Own Relationships. Your partner's relationship with his other partner is his business, not yours. Unless your partner is in real danger, it is not your responsibility to rescue him from this situation or protect him from the consequences of his bad decisions (if indeed engaging with this particular person turns out to have been a bad decision on his part). Recognize that your energy will be better spent attending to your own business.
6) Apply “Calamine” As Needed. When, despite your best efforts, you find yourself feeling super annoyed, treat yourself to whatever healthy (or even quasi-healthy!) distractions you most enjoy. Also, if you can think of something you, your partner, and your partner's partner would all enjoy doing together, something not likely to cause disagreements or bring up negative emotions for anyone – oven-mitt bowling, hopscotch, a stupid movie, whatever – try to make it happen.

You may never come to adore your partner's partner, but if you take my advice, chances are you'll be feeling meta-more better in six months to a year. At that point, you and your partner will both be seeing a bit more clearly, and you'll find that you are finally looking at the same person: a human being whom your partner fell in love with, and whom you really disliked, once upon a time. Either your partner will have realized that you were right all along, or you'll have realized that he was right all along – or, more likely, both of you will have realized that you both had somewhat valid, somewhat skewed perspectives initially. In any case, whether or not your partner's partner is still a part of your lives, all of you will probably have shifted into more comfortable positions.

Balsam and Butter,
Viny

My Parents Don't Accept My Poly Relationships: A Question from Viny

Dear Viny,

Yesterday, halfway through the first lap of my five-lap run around the track at Fernhill park, I started to cry. I kept running, even though I find it hard enough to run even when I'm not crying. I only started running again a few weeks ago, after not having run for...um, more years than I care to count. Crying, and running anyway: one small leap of faith, and then another, and then another....

I'm writing because I want you to help me articulate something I felt yesterday, but could not (yet) put into words. I'm writing because writing, like running, is a way of moving forward: one word at a time. Yes, Viny, you and I are technically the same person, but can you please do whatever magic thing you do when you answer other people's letters? Read, reflect, consult your friends and acquaintances and random people on the internet, call on the wisdom of the collective unconscious, do some freewriting in your journal, sit at your computer with your cup of Earl Grey and fiddle with paragraphs – you know the drill. Thanks in advance. I look forward to hearing from you.

So here's my problem: every time my parents come for a visit, I end up feeling completely drained. I find it exceedingly difficult to deal with them. Really being present (as opposed to emotionally “checking out”) requires me to tap into my deepest reserves, which inevitably run dry after just a couple of days. This wouldn't be so bad except that whenever my parents are around, I'm cut off from many of my usual sources of renewal: I can't refill, the way I normally would.

Part of the problem is due to the fact that my folks and I don't share the same worldview. They're religious, and I'm not; they're politically conservative, and I'm not; they're monogamous, and I'm not. They have made it clear that they love me and want to have a relationship with me, despite our differences. They have also made it clear that they think my lifestyle is “unethical and immoral,” and that they have no desire to interact with any of my “extraneous people.” So, during their visits, which happen two or three times a year, I have generally tried to keep things parent-friendly. Putting their emotional comfort ahead of my own seemed like a small sacrifice, and I thought I had made my peace with it.

However, a new issue has been developing over the last couple of years. My father is literally losing his mind, beginning with the frontal lobes. He has become increasingly unable to regulate his emotions. Also, he no longer recognizes social cues, which means that he often fails to behave appropriately in social situations. Worst of all, he has seemingly lost the ability to empathize with others. For example, the other day, after my six-year-old daughter accidentally bumped her head on a piece of furniture, he said, “What'd you do that for?” When she didn't answer, he repeated the question again, several times, until she finally burst into tears and fled. “It was a joke!” he yelled after her. As I left the room to comfort my daughter, I could hear my mother remonstrating with him: “You might have meant it as a joke, but it's not funny. No one is laughing.” To which my father replied, “Be quiet, stupid woman!”

I love my dad dearly. I love him for the man he once was, and for the man he still wishes he could be. But he is becoming a really big problem – too big for any one person to handle on her own. My mother is going to need lots of help. And in order to help her, I am going to need lots of help.

What I am beginning to realize is that I cannot keep playing “let's pretend we're a normal nuclear family” for my parents' benefit. My husband and children are wonderfully supportive, but they are only part of my support structure. Not seeing or talking to any of the other members of my tribe makes me feel anxious. And sad. And angry. And frustrated. And then the whirl of emotions gets to be too much, until I feel like I'm beside myself, quite literally: detached, unmoored, adrift.  

Those “extraneous people” aren't extraneous. I need them. They need me. We need us.

As my father declines, I will doubtless be spending more time with with my parents, not less – and that means I am going to have to get more comfortable being my authentic self around them, preferably without making my parents too uncomfortable. My question is this: How do I do that? 

Wondering & Wandering,

Viny

How I Fixed My Parents' Messed-Up Marriage! (Not.)

Dear Viny,

My husband and I opened up our marriage about three years ago with marvelous results. I've talked to my mother about it, and she's been understanding and supportive. I haven't told my father yet because he is conservative, traditionally moral, and would be horrified (bless his Midwestern heart). The problem is, my mom sees how great this relationship model has been for me and has told me she would love to give it a try! My parents married each other when they both had children from previous marriages, and they were great parents together. Since all the little birdies have flown the nest, they haven't been so great at just being spouses together. It kills me to think of my mom being stuck and unfulfilled for the rest of her life. It also kills me to think of them separating because it would crush my dad (he viewed his first divorce as a gross personal failure). I can't quite tell my mom she should just find a little something-something on the side. What to do?

– A Dutiful Daughter 

*** 

Dear Dutiful,

I'm so glad you wrote in with this question, because your feelings vis a vis your parents' troubled relationship strike a familiar chord: I have been grappling with a similar problem. My parents, like yours, built the kind of relationship dictated by the social norms of their generation. Forty years ago, when my mom and dad got married, they assumed they were aiming for the stasis of “happily ever after.” They viewed every inevitable change as a fall from grace, with the result that they are now stuck in the mire of their separate regrets. They focused almost exclusively on their nuclear family, and neglected to invest in an intimate network of friends, with the result that they are now socially impoverished. They allowed themselves to fall into dependence and co-dependence, probably as a way of guaranteeing that they would always need each other, with the result that neither learned how to honor the other's autonomy.

So I called them up yesterday, and I said, “Hey, I know y'all think my lifestyle is immoral and unethical and all, but you guys are so miserable, I figure you might be open to anything at this point, even relationship advice from me. Why don't you let me tell you about all the stuff I've learned over the last fifteen-plus years, and maybe you could give some of it a try? I'm not saying you have to open your marriage or anything – although, Mom, have you considered how great it would be if you had a partner who was capable of supporting you emotionally? Dad, has it occurred to you that there are women your age who still enjoy having sex?”

And they said, in perfect unison, “Wow, Viny, we are so lucky to have a daughter who can offer us a perspective different from our own. Maybe there is a way we can adapt some of your ideas so that they will work for us. Please, tell us more!”

Yeah, right. April Fool's.

Unfortunately, Dutiful, it's probably too late for our parents to turn their ailing marriages around. My folks will probably limp all the way to their side-by-side graves, squabbling as they go. Yours may split up before death does them part, or they may not, but you will most likely have zero control over which path they choose to take, so you might as well resign yourself to accepting whatever outcome comes. As dutiful daughters, the best thing we can do for our parents is to accept them for who they are, be there for them when we can, and try to model healthy ways of relating. And the best thing we can do for ourselves is to let go of our attachment without letting go of our love.

(All easier said than done, I realize. I can be all lotus-heart enlightened when I'm typing away in my quiet house on a rainy Tuesday morning, but ask me how I'm doing three weeks from now, when my folks will be here for Easter, and I bet I will be singing a scratchier tune!)

Before I sign off, I do have one tiny question for you. You say you have talked to your mother, but not your father, about the fact that you and your husband now have an open marriage. Have you asked your mother to keep this information secret? In other words, is there a meaningful conversation your parents could be having but aren't, simply because your mother is under the impression that you do not want her to share your news? If so, is it possible that you are unwittingly widening the rift between your parents in your efforts to protect them from each other? Just something you might want to consider....

Peace & Parsnips,

Viny