Dear Viny,
I'm wondering if you
have any insights about how to deal with generational differences in
poly relationships.
Currently, I am
involved with someone much older than I am. He grew up during the
60's, when the free love movement was just beginning. He has told me
stories about sitting in the back seat of cars, making out with
chicks, and no one would mention birth control or even discuss
whether or not to have sex, just so that if anything were to happen,
it would be the result of a spontaneous accident. As a child of the
80's who grew up during the AIDS epidemic, I remember sitting in the
back seat of cars, making out with boys, and asking, “Baby, did you
bring a condom?” without missing a beat.
Skipping ahead a few
decades, we now have a situation in which my lover and I have
different approaches to being in an open relationship. Before
entering into a space of physical intimacy, we both spoke with our
spouses. My husband and I opened our marriage eight years ago, and
are very comfortable with these kinds of conversations, but this was
a new topic for my lover and his wife. During their conversation,
which I was not present for, they agreed to a variation of the “Don't
Ask, Don't Tell” approach, which I don't clearly understand. She
has since made several friendly overtures toward me and my family,
and this has been reassuring. However, she and I have never had a
meaningful conversation, much less talked about boundaries,
scheduling, sexual hygiene, or any of the other conversations we poly
folks are accustomed to having.
My lover's wife is not
interested in having a sexual relationship with anyone at this point
in her life (not even her husband – they haven't had sex in several
years). Still, I'm feeling anxious about their arrangement. It's not
that I think he is being unethical. I am pretty sure he is following
the “rules” of his marriage. My problem is that I don't
understand those rules. I feel like the American poly Eliza Doolittle
at the hush-hush Euro-style party, and I'm worried I'm going to make
a faux pas and not even understand the nature of the mistake.
I want to let my
lover and his wife handle their marriage their own way. At the same
time, I want to feel more at peace. Are there constructive changes I
could propose, while still being respectful of generational
differences in our approaches?
– Rio, dancing on
quicksand
***
Dear Rio,
Based on my own
intimacies (sexual and platonic) with people 15+ years older than
myself, people my own age, and people 15+ years younger, I might be
able to make a few generalizations about possible generational
differences – for example, “Older people are more likely to think
of sex as a private matter, and less likely to enjoy electronic dance
music,” or, “Younger people are more likely to feel comfortable
sharing graphic pics/videos of themselves, and less likely to use
apostrophes when texting.” However,
I don't think these kinds of generalizations are particularly helpful
when it comes to developing and maintaining authentic relationships.
We fall in love with individuals,
not with broad cultural patterns or statistical likelihoods. One of
my long-term partners was born before 1960, and he's one of the most
sexually open people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. When I
first met his family, I was surprised – and delighted! – by the
ease with which he and his siblings talked and joked about
sex-related topics with their 80-year-old parents. Clearly, they
didn't get that “Leave It to Beaver” memo about keeping bedroom
talk in the bedroom, under the covers, with the lights off.
I'm
not sure it matters why your
lover and his wife are choosing to handle things differently than you
and your husband do. It might be due to the fact that they're older,
or it might be due to some other factor or combination of factors. In
any case, the real problem here is not the age difference. The real
problem is the lack of communication. And this one is a particularly
sticky wicket, because you can't exactly solve it by communicating
about it! Unfortunately, when one person wants
to talk and another does not, the person who says “no” always
wins.
You're in a really
frustrating position, Rio. Your lover's wife has not agreed to have a
direct relationship with you, and she has no incentive to go along
with any changes you might propose, no matter how constructive they
might be. If you tell your lover, “I need your wife to communicate
with me,” or even, “I need you and your wife to communicate with
each other about me,” you would be putting him in a
frustrating position: he would have to choose whose stated needs to
honor, yours or hers. And no one wants to be cast as the “middle man”
in that kind of power play. (Ah, yes, the circular argument: if only you could speak to his
wife directly....)
I suggest you step back
from this whole convoluted mess for a moment to focus on the person
you have the greatest chance of changing: yourself. Who are you, and
what do you need from others in order to show up as your authentic
self in your relationships? Where are you willing to stretch, and
where are you in danger of snapping?
Take a good look at
whether you are honoring your own boundaries
in this relationship. Your lover and his wife have set their
boundaries. You need to set yours, and then determine whether there
is enough space in between for a relationship to flourish. Do you
have any relationship deal-breakers? For me, dishonesty and
unwillingness to disclose information I need in order to protect
my sexual health are definite deal-breakers. You don't seem to be
worried that your lover hasn't given you the straight story, and
(assuming he's been truthful with you about being in a sexless
marriage, and truthful with his wife about being in a sexual
relationship with you) it isn't strictly necessary for you and his
wife to communicate about sexual hygiene. But are there any other
consequences of “Don't Ask, Don't Tell” that you are not
okay with?
If so, you need to discuss these deal-breakers with your lover.
It
may be that you don't yet know what all of your boundaries are, and
that's fine. Give
it some time. Drawing
clear boundaries takes years of practice and a super steady hand.
Your lover and his wife are new to this – and so, in some respects,
are you. They are new to ethical non-monogamy, and you are new to
their way of being ethically non-monogamous. Given sufficient time
and increased levels of trust, people's boundaries often shift.
Perhaps your lover's wife will eventually feel more comfortable
talking openly about your sexual relationship with her husband. Or
perhaps you won't mind catering to her wishes after you get to know
her well enough to understand why she might prefer privacy to
disclosure.
Meanwhile,
don't be afraid to
fuck up.
Do your best to honor the agreement your lover has made with his
wife, but only
to the extent that
you feel comfortable doing so.
In my opinion, you ought to err on the side of saying too much rather
than too little, since your preference is to communicate more openly.
If something you do turns out to've been a faux pas, be grateful: you
can learn a lot from a few mis-steps! If you find that
you keep tripping over the same sharp rock in the green pasture of
love – and no one else is on board with painting it day-glo orange
so that you can see it better, and there's no way you're gonna get
the go-ahead to dig it up and drag it somewhere safer – you
will know you need to move the fence until that particular rock lies
outside your stated boundaries.
So,
my fair lady, please repeat after me: the
rhine in spine falls minely on the pline....
Dipthongs
and derring-do,
Viny
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