Note to Husband: Don't Blame Our Break-Up on My Boyfriend

Viny,

How do I tell my husband that I don't want to be in a relationship with him anymore, and how do I help him understand that it has nothing to do with my boyfriend?

Regards,
A.

***

Dear A.,

As gratifying as it is to be asked for my advice, as edifying as it is for me to discover what I think by seeing what I say, and as satisfying as it is when I manage to “nail it” every once in a while with just the right phrase, there is a definite downside to this Dear Viny gig: it makes me worry about people I don't even know.

Ending a well-established relationship is serious business. I don't have a whole lot of experience with it, myself. I have been in several long-term romantic relationships that transitioned (or are still in the process of transitioning) into friendships, but I have never needed to tell someone, “I no longer want to be in a relationship with you.” I'm trying to put myself in your position, to imagine why it would be necessary to make a definitive break with someone, and I'm not enjoying the mental exercise. Best-case scenario, you and your husband are already so profoundly disconnected that divorce will merely bring your outer reality into better alignment with your inner experience. Worst-case scenario, your life might actually be in danger.

Please be aware, as you read on, that my advice is predicated on an assumption that we're dealing with something more like the best-case scenario.

With that caveat out of the way, then, I suggest you tell your husband the truth, straight up. Say, “I want out of this marriage.” It's not going to be easy – for you or for him – but it's necessary. I suggest that you deliver the dreaded line in person, as soon as possible, and with as much open-hearted honesty as you can muster. That's the only way you're going to have a snowcone's chance in hell of him really hearing what you have to say about the reason(s) why you're leaving him.

Conducting yourself well during this initial phase of extracting yourself from the relationship -- being transparent about your intentions, setting clear boundaries, treating your soon-to-be-ex with compassion, and working hard to make the split as painless as possible -- may help to minimize the erosion of trust that is an inevitable and unfortunate part of every break-up. Or, it may not. And you need to be prepared for that possibility. You need to realize that you could say everything right and still utterly fail to communicate.

This is because, if your husband is not already closed to you and your point of view, there's a good chance he will be, as soon as you inform him you're planning to leave him. He will feel hurt, and when people feel hurt, they tend to play oyster: retreat into their shell, and immediately get to work on making their tender ego more comfortable. Like an irritating bit of grit, the truth (as you see it) may eventually get coated with so many layers of misinterpretation that you no longer recognize it.

The question I have for you is this: Why do you care what he thinks? What's wrong with him getting it wrong, and blaming this break-up on your boyfriend?

I'm not trying to be obtuse here. I have definitely experienced the frustration of watching an ex spin a break-up story that seemed way off the mark to me. For example, one of my exes decided that the reason we didn't work out is that I was too afraid of the depth of my passion for him. He believed I saw the intensity of my feelings as a threat to my predictable, safe, well-ordered life. Whereas my opinion is that I ended things because his wandering, wishy-washy way of just letting life happen to him was ultimately incompatible with a long-term, committed relationship. And let's not forget his charming double-whammy insult to my husband and a new lover of mine, delivered soon after meeting the latter: “Oh, great – you found yourself another intellectual asshole!” So what if that comment was uttered in confidence, in a moment of can't-see-straight jealousy? Some things just can't be unsaid. (See how devoted I am to my version of the story? See how I can't resist the opportunity to tell it how I see it?)

The fact is, you have very little control over the story your husband is going to tell himself about why you're choosing to end the relationship. Do your best to tell your story straight – staying open to the possibility that there are truths he sees better than you do, and admitting those gritty bits into your otherwise smooth narrative – but don't be surprised if he writes a maudlin memoir and titles it, "She Left Me for Another Man." That's a tale of woe that everyone understands, and it's just about guaranteed to get him some sympathy. Yes, it's hard to let someone else have the last word, especially if that last word is wrong. Yes, it's deeply distressing to think that your husband might refuse to listen to anything you have to say, preferring instead to admire the precious pearl he'll be forming in the darkness of his own denial to the end of his blame-benighted days. I get that. I'm not saying the truth doesn't matter. I'm saying this is one of those Serenity Prayer moments when all you can do is surrender to whatever will be.

A dear friend of mine recently shared with me a life lesson that a wise old woman once shared with her: “What other people think of me is none of my business.” I'm sharing that thought with you now, A., because I have a hunch that getting your husband to understand and accept you has been a struggle from Day One of your relationship. And here you are, still struggling, hooked on that same line. The time has come to let it go.

Animae & Anemones,
Viny

Will My Mom and My Boyfriends Still Love Me If I Tell Them I'm Poly?

Dear Viny,

How do I tell my mom I'm Poly? I want to tell her so she doesn't think I'm cheating. I also want to tell my boyfriends. I'm scared they won't love me anymore.

Regards,

H.

***

Dear H.,

Telling people the truth can be incredibly difficult, especially when we are afraid that someone is going to find the truth upsetting. I don't know anything about your mom or your boyfriends, so I don't know how they might respond if you tell them you are polyamorous. It's entirely possible that they will react badly. In fact, I can just about guarantee that your boyfriends are going to be unhappy with you. And do you know why? Because, my sweet peach parfait, being poly doesn't mean you aren't cheating.

Let me explain what I mean. When you say, “I'm poly,” I assume it's because your experience with your boyfriends has shown you that you are capable of being in love with more than one person at a time. However, being poly in orientation is not the same thing as being in a poly relationship. There are plenty of people in the world who are poly in orientation but monogamous in practice. (And I bet that the reverse is also true.) So, we need to distinguish between BEING poly and DOING poly. As far as I can tell, you may be poly, but you aren't doing poly (yet). Doing poly means that you have multiple sexual/romantic partners at the same time, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. If your boyfriends do not know about each other, and they have not consented to being in a polyamorous relationship, they're going to view your behavior as “cheating,” and rightly so.

Unfortunately, you are in a bit of a pickle, and there is no way you can ensure that getting out of it will be all relish and no dill. You're going to have to be brave.

Here's what I suggest. If you and your mom have a good relationship, and you think she is likely to be supportive, then by all means talk to her first. Explain to her that you are involved with more than one guy, and that you feel you are polyamorous in orientation. You might even ask for her advice about how to handle the task of talking to your boyfriends. Who knows – this could turn out to be a great way for you and your mother to get closer. On the other hand, if you are pretty sure that telling your mom you're poly is only going to add to the drama, then focus on fixing the situation with your boyfriends first.

In my opinion, you have two basic choices for how to deal with your boyfriends: 1) pick one boyfriend and end things with the other(s), so that you are no longer cheating; or 2) tell them the truth, and allow each to decide whether or not he wants to continue being your boyfriend, given who you are and what you think you want out of your relationships. I recommend that you go with option 2. It's more honest. And in my experience, relationships have the best chance of succeeding when the people in them are truthful with each other. Do be aware, though, that the best time to tell the truth is before you get into a romantic entanglement, not after. Your boyfriends may decide it's “too little, too late” if you tell them the truth now. There are all kinds of reasons why they might not want to be with you after you 'fess up: for example, because they're hurt by the fact that you didn't tell them sooner, or they're worried they won't be able to trust you in the future, or they simply don't fancy the idea of being in a poly relationship.

I still think you should tell your boyfriends the truth. Even though they might stop loving you. If a relationship can't survive the truth, you are ultimately better off without it.

Good luck, dear H. No matter what happens, please remember this: being poly does not make you less lovable. Whoever you are, however you define yourself, and whatever faults you may have, when you choose to show up in your relationships as the real you, you are always worthy of love.

Tamarinds and Tamarisks,

Viny

Why Is My Monogamous Ex Still Struggling with Polyamory?

Dear Viny,

Four years ago I entered into a monogamous relationship. It had been years since I’d given monogamy a try. The relationship lasted two years. Most of that time was wonderful. We had fantastic times together. It also taught me that I am truly a natural-born polyamorous human being. She is also 100% sure that she is inherently monogamous. We agreed to disagree, and split up.

Two years later I’m still getting messages from her that she loves me and wishes one of the two of us were different so that we could be together. In the midst of her messages there are hurtful judgments. I calmly point these out to her and she seems to understand. Yet the judgmental messages continue. She has gone to great lengths to understand poly ideas and problems. She even paid $100 for a conference call with acclaimed clinician/author Charlie Glickman.

I don’t want to cut off communication with her, but I cringe when I see an email from her in my inbox and sometimes avoid reading it for days.

Any ideas you might have for negotiating non-judgmental communication would be lovingly appreciated.

Thanks,

Polyperson 

***

 

Dear Polyperson,

Forgive me for stating the obvious, but the problem here is that your ex-girlfriend hasn't gotten over you. She's in limbo-land, neither here nor there, unable to see her way out of the marshy mess of her emotions. It's a miserable place to be. And you know what they say about misery, and how much it enjoys entertaining visitors. Unfortunately, what this means is that it doesn't matter what you say or how clearly you say it: as long as your ex wants your company more than she wants to move on, she's going to keep dragging you into the mud with her.

Your ability to communicate isn't the issue. Her ability to communicate isn't the issue. The issue is that you've moved on, and she hasn't, and this feels all kinds of bad to her. So, if you don't mind, I'd like to re-frame your question. How can you help your former partner do what she so desperately needs to do? How can you help her get over you, so she can get on with her life?

Now, I have an embarrassing confession to make: historically, I have really sucked at helping my ex-partners get over me so that they can get on with their own lives. Part of it is simple vanity (I mean, who wants to be easily gotten over?), but another part of it is that I have a hard time understanding why it would ever be necessary to get over anyone. After all, one of the greatest things about being poly is that we don't have to do that stupid “burn all the old bridges and start over from scratch with someone else” thing, right? We don't have to kick anyone out of our hearts – or our beds – to make room for a new love. Fan-fucking-tastic! There's just one little problem: not everyone is like us.

Your ex-girlfriend is not like you. She will probably have difficulty developing romantic feelings for anyone else as long as she's still in love with you. As someone who cares about her, you need to respect this fundamental difference, and do what you can to cut her free from the emotional ties that are keeping her stuck in regret and recrimination.

I'm not sure of the best way to go about this, but I'm pretty sure it will involve less communication between the two of you, at least for a time. My suggestion is to remind your ex, gently but firmly, that the romantic relationship is over, and that there is no possibility of resurrecting it as it was. Then, ask her how she feels about creating some kind of ceremony to mark the death of your relationship, followed by a mourning period during which you don't interact with each other at all. If she doesn't like this idea – and she may not! – ask her how she would prefer to put your shared past to rest, and be open to what she says.

Lemon pies & lullabies,

Viny

The Unbearable Lightness of Being Open: Strategies for Coping with Anxiety

Dear Viny,

I am generally an anxious person, and learning to love myself is a struggle, but one I am fighting with every day.

One source of my anxiety at the moment is my open relationship with my partner. We've been together two years and despite being open, neither of us have taken advantage of this freedom. I know my partner wants to but he hasn't found the time to go out and find someone he likes. He's recently started socialising more, which has resulted in me having small panic attacks and stropping at signs of rejection due to built up anxiety. I'm acknowledging the anxiety but still struggling with lashing out at my partner. It's not nice for him and is ruining an otherwise good relationship.

Do you have any tools for dealing this kind of fear and anxiety?

Thank you,
An Anxious Heart

***

Dear Anxious,

Fear and anxiety are my least favorite emotions, hands down. They're kind of like the flu: a common, contagious, completely miserable waste of precious time. I'm sorry you are struggling, and I commend you for your courage and insight. You're wise to realize that learning to love yourself is the only permanent cure for what ails you.

Learning to love yourself may take a very long time – your entire life, perhaps. And that is okay: there is no task more worth your while. Just be patient with yourself. Take it one day at a time. Take it one minute at a time. If you need to, take it one millisecond at a time. That's all I can really tell you about the process, because learning to love yourself is something only you can do. I can't do it for you. Your partner can't do it for you. You're on your own, baby. Bon voyage.

In the meantime, however, I do have some practical tips about how to manage your anxiety and mitigate the fear that's fueling it.

1. Get plenty of exercise. When you are feeling anxious and jittery, the best thing you can do is give all that nervous energy a physical outlet. Go running, go dancing, go swimming, go walking – it doesn't matter what you do, just get your body moving. Give your heart a good reason to race, on a regular basis, and it will be more likely to cooperate when you really need a rest.

2. Give your brain something better to do. Whenever you find yourself obsessing – What is my partner doing right now? When will he come home? What if he doesn't? What if he doesn't love me, what if he's never really loved me, what if no one will ever love me? – you need to find something else to think about. In the same way that a border collie kept confined in a small back yard will get into trouble, digging hole after hole in a desperate attempt to keep itself occupied, your overactive brain will continue to be a nuisance unless you give it something useful to do. Make sure that the job is both demanding and doable, the mental equivalent of waitressing at a pancake restaurant packed with picky eaters. Whatever it is, it needs to occupy as much of your attention as possible. In a pinch, try reading aloud to yourself.

3. Widen your perspective. This is a vague platitude, I know, so let me tell you a story to illustrate what I mean. About a year and a half ago, one of my life partners went on a vacation with an ex-girlfriend of his. I should mention here that this particular ex is still a very big part of his life: she lives with him whenever she's in town, which amounts to about half the year, and even though they are no longer romantically involved with each other, they have always enjoyed an emotionally close, physically affectionate relationship. Also, I really, really like this woman. She's a wonderful person, and I consider her a friend. So, I had no problem whatsoever with her and my partner going on a trip together. In fact, I was delighted that the two of them would be getting to spend some quality time together – and I did understand that sex was a possibility, albeit a remote one. All in all, not a setup for extreme anxiety, right? Wrong. On the day they were supposed to return, I got a panicked call from my partner's wife: Where were our two vacationers? Weren't they supposed to be back hours ago? Now I was concerned, too. She and I fretted for two or three hours, getting more and more freaked out as time dragged on, neither of us daring to voice the concern we shared: had there been an accident? Finally, we got a text saying sorry, there had been no cell reception until now, but they were on their way. About five minutes later, a long email from my partner came through – a lovely missive, all about the wonderful time they'd had, and how much he'd missed me, and oh yes, they'd had sex, and he felt good about it, and she felt good about it, and wasn't that great? Under normal circumstances, I would have experienced a sharp twinge of jealousy, taken a deep breath, and moved on. However, my system was still overloaded with cortisol from all the hours I'd spent worrying that my lover and one of his dearest friends had died in a car crash, and I would be called in to identify the bodies. That jealous twinge just kept on twinging, getting louder and louder. It was past bedtime – in fact, my husband was already in bed with the lights out – but I didn't think I would be able to sleep. I got into bed anyway, and lay there hyperventilating for what seemed like a million years, but was probably only ten minutes. Then I announced to the ceiling, “So, they did end up having sex.” There was a pause, as my poor husband's consciousness swam up from its peaceful slumber, and then I heard a sleepy voice say, “That's great!” I don't know what I'd expected to hear, but it wasn't that. “It's great?” I asked, incredulous. “Yeah,” he said, “Good for them!” And bless his heart, he was absolutely right: it was good for them. I just hadn't been able to see it, because I'd been so wrapped up in whether it might turn out to be bad for me.

4. Focus on the love you're giving instead of worrying about the love you're (not) getting. When your partner is off socializing without you, it's not going to do you a lot of good to sit at home pouting, or “stropping” (thanks for the new term, which must be a British-ism – I had to look it up on Urban Dictionary!). One suggestion would be to get out there and do some socializing yourself. However, there's a potential danger: if you're looking for external validation, hoping that positive attention from others will lift you out of your funk, you are likely to see rejection everywhere you look. Instead, try approaching your interactions with other people as an opportunity to be of service to them. For example, let's say you and your partner are at a party together. He's chatting people up and having a grand old time, whereas you are not. You know your partner isn't being an asshole; you know he's not ignoring you on purpose; you know he'd love nothing more than for you to enjoy the party, too. Nevertheless, you're feeling like a total loser, and you're angry at yourself for feeling this way, and you're angry at your partner because you're angry at yourself. In a situation like this, leaving the party will only make you feel worse, and dancing on the table in a desperate bid for attention will likely land you on your ass. Instead, see whether the host(ess) needs help mixing drinks or washing dishes, or find someone who looks a little lost and introduce them to someone you know. When you're feeling bad about yourself, focusing on others may not make you feel great, but it will definitely make you feel better.

5. Don't fight your feelings. No matter how busy you keep your brain and body, there will be times when you are overcome by negative emotions. Like physical pain, emotional pain is a “pay attention” signal. Sometimes, there's a damn good reason for this signal – you are touching a hot coal, say, or your appendix is about to burst – but sometimes your nerves are just randomly firing. In either case, though, resenting the pain will only increase your suffering. Just accept your emotions, even the unpleasant ones. Feel what you feel, and when you're ready, let the feeling go. (I have given this advice to other people in situations like yours; for example, take a look at my post on Letting Go in Open Relationships.) The bottom line is this: when you stop hating your anxiety, you can stop hating yourself for being an anxious person.

Alas, Anxious, it's getting late in the day, and I have black bean ragout with garlicky toasts and cumin crema to make, so it's time for me to sign off. I hope these suggestions are of some use to you. Of course, there's a caveat, because we have not really addressed the elephant in the room: namely, the fact that it is unclear whether or not you actually want to be in an open relationship. You say that neither you nor your partner has “taken advantage” of your agreement to be open. You say you know he wants to, that the only reason he hasn't is lack of time – but do you want to? Why did you agree to an open relationship in the first place? If this is something he wanted, and you agreed only because you didn't think he would be with you if you said no, or because you didn't feel you deserved to say no, or because you secretly hoped that he would change his mind and that would finally furnish you with irresistible, incontrovertible proof that you are a person worthy of love...well, my dear, beware: you're mired deep in self-sabotage, and you may need professional help to get out. Take good care of yourself, and best of luck.

Biscuits and Buskins,
Viny

Where Did My Libido Go?: Strategies for Dealing with Lack of Desire

Dear Viny,

Do you happen to know of any aphrodisiacs? My husband and I have a good relationship. We love each other. But we can go months without having sex. Part of the problem may be that we let our five-year-old sleep with us for the first three years, and I think we just got into a habit of not going there. However, the bigger problem is that my libido is totally dead at this point. It's like I'm a eunuch. For a while I thought it might be the progesterone in my IUD causing a hormonal issue, so I had it taken out. But that didn't help. I'm still not interested. I want to fix this problem, because it's becoming a stressor in my relationship with my husband. If you have any suggestions that do not involve opening up our marriage, I would love to hear them.

Sincerely,
Wishing I Wanted It More

***
  

Dear Wishing,

You know what I wish? I wish I had the patent on some pill or magic potion that would induce sexual desire in women. No need for a retirement plan: I'd be set for life. There are a lot of ladies out there who struggle with low libido. (You know, it's really too bad that the most powerful aphrodisiacs I know of -- namely, jealousy and NRE, or new relationship energy -- are so often contraindicated. Just sayin'.)

According to Women's Health Network, "Women in long-term relationships -- even satisfying ones -- are often the most challenged by lack of baseline desire." Please note the ambiguous phrasing: are women in long-term relationships more likely to experience lack of desire, or are they simply more likely to have a problem with their lack of desire? After all, a single woman who doesn't feel like having sex is mercifully off the hooking-up hook, and can just relax and appreciate the fact that she's free to focus on other pursuits. A partnered woman who doesn't feel like having sex, on the other hand, probably has a pissed-off partner.

So I would like to suggest that the first thing you do, Wishing, is try to determine whether your lack of desire is actually a problem for you, or whether it's only a problem for you because it's a problem for your partner. In other words, would you still be unhappy about your lackluster libido if your husband were totally happy without sex?

If you're really okay with where your libido is right now – on possibly perma-vacay, somewhere without cell reception or reliable mail delivery – but you are worried that lack of sexual intimacy is having a negative effect on your relationship, here is my advice: Tell your husband the truth about how you feel. Sexual intimacy, like every other form of intimacy, requires authenticity. You're going to have to 'fess up about the fact that not only are you feeling fine without sex, you're feeling fine without desire. You and your husband will then have to decide how you want to proceed based on this baseline truth about you. It's possible that you are asexual or demisexual; I recommend researching these terms to see if they resonate with you. But no matter how you choose to describe yourself, please remember that your sexuality is not the problem. The problem is that a sexual mismatch exists between you and your partner. Fortunately, there are many strategies for dealing with this kind of mismatch. Unfortunately, none of them will be successful unless you and your partner can first come to a place of acceptance and understanding. You may want to consult a trained sex therapist or couples counselor.

If, on the other hand, you just don't feel like yourself these days, if you keep looking in the mirror going, “Who are you, and what the fuck have you done with my libido?!”, then you actually have a more easily-solved problem: all you have to do is locate your somnambulating sex drive, and gently coax her back to bed, where she belongs – that is, whenever she's not getting steamy in the shower, or luxuriating in the bath, or sitting pretty on the sofa, or rolling around on the floor in front of the fireplace, or yodeling from the topmost branches of the cherry tree in your neighbor's back yard, etc.

Yeah, right, you're thinking. Easy-peasy, pie & cheesy.

It may seem like I'm making light of your situation, Wishing, and it's true that I'm teasing you, just a little. But I'm actually trying to demonstrate something I feel is important: a light touch may be exactly what's called for here. When you take your troubles too seriously, spending all your emotional energy trying to ferret out causes and contributing factors, dwelling on the negative, feeling inadequate and defensive and resentful and anxious, you don't have any juice left over for juiciness. Desire doesn't stand a chance when stress and distress are hogging all your attention.

No, I'm not saying you should ignore the issue and pretend everything's fine. What I'm saying is that you can't force desire. You have to tease it back into your life, little by little. Your challenge, should you choose to accept it, is to seduce yourself.

Here's my specially patented, step-by-step guide, in case you need help with the how-to part:

Step 1: Read some books about sex. Given your particular situation, I highly recommend Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex, by Mary Roach; The Erotic Mind, by Jack Morin; and Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, by Esther Perel. I learned a lot about myself and my sexuality by reading these books, and my hope is that you will, too.

Step 2: Watch sexy movies. If porn seems at all interesting or appealing to you, then go for it, obviously – but I'm guessing that right now you'll get more bang for your buck from films with less banging and bucking. I don't know what sights would be most likely to get you shifting in your seat, but here are a few random movies with scenes that I personally found very, um, memorable: Sex, Lies, and Videotape; Brokeback Mountain; Secretary; Blue Is the Warmest Color; The Piano; Under the Sun; and Bliss.

Step 3: After reading books about sex and watching sexy movies, try watching movies about sex and reading sexy books. Attend a sexy dance performance. Go to an exhibition of erotic art. Write about sex, talk about sex, think about sex – you get the point.

Step 4: Notice what comes up for you, now that you are actively engaging with the topic in ways that are meant to be purely informative and/or entertaining. If you experience a lot of psychological resistance during steps 1-3, then you may need professional help: please take care of yourself, and see a therapist. If you don't experience any emotional or psychological blocks that make it difficult to think about sex, at least in the abstract, but everything you used to find sexy now fails to elicit even the tiniest twinge or tingle of possible arousal, then you may need medical attention: please take care of yourself, and see a doctor. If steps 1-3 are mostly enjoyable for you, and seem to be reviving your interest, at least somewhat, then your libido is not dead: please move right on to step number five, and congratulations on a successful seduction!

Step 5: Develop a good relationship with your libido. Be sweet. Don't immediately saddle her up with a lot of heavy duties and obligations (“Okay, now that you've perked up a bit, it's time to make up for five months of spousal neglect!”). Let go of any guilt you may have around self-pleasuring. Give yourself permission to be a sexual being, even when no one else but you gets to benefit. Have faith that the good vibes will spill over into your relationship eventually. Give yourself the time you need, and feel your way back slowly (Omg, doesn't that sound so delish? Hmmm, maybe I need to take a little break from writing!...).

Step 6: Experiment, experiment, experiment! Buy one of those cheesy books with suggestions for revving up your lagging love life, and read it out loud to your partner in a cheesy accent while you both eat cheese puffs in bed. Play a game in which you and your husband each have to get yourself off secretly, at some point during a given day, and then at the end of the day, the other person has to guess when and where the deed took place. Make it a rule that for the next two months, you can only have sex in the coat closet while wearing fake fur and faux diamonds, on weekdays, at precisely 11:17 p.m. The exact design of the experiment doesn't matter. Don't stress over the details. Just try some new things, and make a note of what you find out. Sometimes, what you find out is that the experiment was a total failure – and that's okay! (Here's an example of a failed sexperiment from the annals of my own life: once, a few years into our marriage, dutifully following the instructions in some sexpert's book, my husband and I each placed three strips of clear tape in various places on our own body; the other person was supposed to find the pieces of tape by touch alone. We performed this exercise with the utmost solemnity, even though we both felt ridiculous during the whole rigamarole. Not sexy. Oh, well.)

Step 7: Reflect on what you've learned by doing steps 1-6.

Okay, luscious lady, it's time for you to start getting busy on getting just a little bit busier! Do let me know how it goes: I'll expect a detailed report in, oh, six months or so.... ;-) 

 

Saffron and Spice,

Viny

Casual Honesty: Can I Chat with My Hair Stylist about Polyamory?

Dear Viny,

I'm balls deep in poly and have been in a stable situation for over eight years now. There's always the question of whether or not to disclose this to new friends, dentists or hair stylists. Do I feel compelled to out myself? No.

But, I have made some significant life changes in the last year that make my personal life a non-issue in my professional life (working entirely online). It has been very freeing and frankly, a relief.

That being said, I get tired of dancing around the issue or being intentionally vague. When I climb onto the massage table and my therapist says "How was your weekend?", I want to be honest.

Can I? Should I? Do I shut the fuck up and say as little as possible? What say you on the topic of being casually honest?

Sincerely,

Red State Romeo

***

Dear Romeo,

Casual Honesty sounds like a winning pony to me! Saddle her up and take her for a run! After all, what have you got to lose?

I can just picture you, reclining in a powder-blue chair with a goofy bib clipped under your chin, while the dentist squints at your chart, distractedly snapping her latex gloves. She asks you about your weekend, not because she gives a crap, but because customer satisfaction surveys have indicated that people really want to be asked asinine questions about themselves, even when their mouths are stuffed so full of cotton gauze they can't utter a single intelligible syllable in reply. Luckily, there's nothing in your mouth yet. “Oh, wow, I had the most fantastic weekend,” you enthuse, “Me 'n' Snuggles 'n' Sara, along with some of the other sweeties in our little love-tribe, won the Lube Lick-off at Polypalooza!” The dentist looks at you with furrowed brows. “Did you know that lubricants can be very damaging to your enamel?” Then she pulls out the biggest syringe she can find, and commands, “Open wide!”

Yeah, as long as you can deal with a wee bit of discomfort, I see no reason why you shouldn't answer a casual question with casual honesty. If it's socially acceptable for a monogamous person to say, “I had a great weekend! I introduced my boyfriend to the whole fam damily, and my parents just loved him!”, then it should be acceptable for a polyamorous person to say the same thing: “I introduced my new boyfriend...and my [wife/husband/wife and husband/other partners/tribe/whatever labels work for your situation] just loved him!” Of course, it isn't acceptable yet, but it should be, and you can do your part to make it more acceptable by behaving as though it is. When you respond to a polite question with a polite-but-scandalous reply, you effectively shift the parameters of what you are allowed to mention in polite conversation.

This kind of honesty has a light touch, and most likely won't be perceived as a threat. Your matter-of-fact, “this is what my life is like” disclosures may get met with some looks of blank incomprehension, or perhaps raised eyebrows and requests for clarification, which would then result in either A) communication shut-down, or B) lots and lots of questions, but my guess is that, particularly when dealing with people in the service or caring professions, you won't see a lot of overt hostility. Think about it this way: whether or not your hair stylist or massage therapist approves of your lifestyle, you have just given him or her a really great story to tell the next client or the folks back home. If bad comes to worse, and things get super awkward, or they refuse to let you book another appointment, so what? There are plenty of savvier businesspeople out there who will gladly accept your money. With any luck, they'll have personal views more in line with your own.

So yes, Romeo, I think you can be casually honest. Moreover, I think you should be. Why? Because you have so little to lose by saying what you want to say, when you want to say it. There are still so many people out there who can't be honest about who they are and how they've chosen to live their lives. They have a lot more to lose – their kids, their job, their social standing, their legal rights – and they have decided they can't risk it. People like you can make the world a safer place for people like them.

Casual honesty is a luxury. If you can afford it, I say enjoy the hell out of it. You'll be doing us all a big favor.

Teparies and peccaries,

Viny

Advice for Polyamorous Parents: When and How to Tell the Kids

Dear Viny,

My husband and I are new to polyamory, and we have two girls, ages two and six. Much of the reading we've done has not mentioned the subject of children or families. We are wondering when to tell our children about our decision to open our marriage, and how to tell them in a culture in which we fear they may be ostracized or worse. Do you have thoughts/advice about how to manage this issue?

Thanks,

A Poly Mama

***

Dear Poly Mama,

A few weeks ago, I was at a reading of Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert's More Than Two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory (which is an absolutely stellar book, btw, and if you're new to poly, you simply must get your hands on a copy a.s.a.p. – you can buy one here or on Amazon). During the Q & A session after the reading, someone in the audience piped up with the same question you just asked me. Eve and Franklin responded that unfortunately they didn't feel qualified to weigh in on the subject of poly and parenting, because neither or them had any children. And I thought to myself, “Ah, so that's how you managed to write 400+ pages, bundle them into a beautiful book, publish the damn thing, and tool around the country for two months promoting it!”

Okay, I'm a little jealous. I mean envious. Whatever. In all seriousness, though: I do think there is a comparative lack of information on polyamory and parenting, and I suspect that the reason for this is that poly parents are not the ones writing the books. And why not? Why are we, as a group, so deplorably under-represented among the glitterati? I'm sure I don't need to explain it to you, since you have young children – but for those readers who don't have kids, allow me to point out that in the course of writing this paragraph, I have been interrupted no fewer than four times by my six-year-old. She and her little friend now have tortilla chips, salsa, a glass of milk, and a glass of water in front of them – which may keep them busy for a few... nope, I was wrong. Make that five times. (“Mom? Where'd those vampire teeth go? I wanna show Al!”) But I digress. The point I'm trying to make is that writing a book takes time and concentration, both of which are in short supply in households like mine. (And...we're up to eight times now, just for the record.) Yes, it's true that plenty of writers have managed to publish books despite being beset by minor technical difficulties like the ones currently running around my living room. In fact, I know several such miracle-workers personally. However, when it comes to publishing on the specific topic of polyamory and parenting, there's a far bigger obstacle in our way: fear of public scrutiny. As poly parents, we're hesitant to call attention to ourselves, lest the Eye of Sauron alight on our little ones.

Public perceptions of polyamory and other forms of consensual non-monogamy are changing for the better, but the threat of social censure is still very real. Many people assume that children do best in a “Leave It to Beaver” type of family; in their minds, parents who choose an alternative relationship structure are putting their own selfish desires ahead of their children's wellbeing. Thus, in some social circles, coming out as poly means running the risk of being judged an unfit parent. And that, my lascivious lovely, is why I write under a pseudonym – not because I'm worried about my name, but because I'm worried about my children. I mean, what if some yo-yo out there decides my kids would be better off in foster care?

All this to say: I understand your concern, Poly Mama. I really do. That being said, I feel strongly that parenting decisions should be guided by love rather than fear.

And now, without further preamble, here are my thoughts about when – and how – to tell your kids you're polyamorous.

1) Let your children's questions set the pace. Given that your girls are six and two, there is no need to make any kind of “announcement” for their benefit. This is great, because parental announcements are awkward, and best avoided. If your kids are anything like mine, they will ask enough questions over the years that you'll never have to trot out some cringe-worthy opening salvo like, “Kids? There's something your father and I need to tell you....”

2) When your children ask you questions, give them honest answers. Your two-year-old probably won't have any questions yet. But I can pretty much guarantee that your six-year-old will want to know all kinds of things: where you're going, what you're doing, whom you're doing it with, etc. Be candid in your replies – but don't offer more information than she can process.

By way of illustration, here's an exchange I had with my daughter just the other day, as I was preparing for a night out:

Sienna: Why are you getting dressed up? Where are you going?

Me: I'm going out with Cam tonight.

Sienna: Why do you need to wear a pretty bra? Cam's not gonna see it, is he?

Me: He might.

Sienna: Has he seen you naked??!

Me: Sure.

Sienna [shrieks in mock horror, then moves on, apparently unfazed]: Can I play Minecraft?

3) Pay attention to non-verbal cues, because some questions won't be asked out loud. There may be times when your children would benefit from a more in-depth discussion, or when they are looking for some reassurance, but they don't know how to ask you for what they need. If one of your children seems to be “fishing” for information, expresses confusion or anxiety around a particular topic, or simply seems upset, try to figure out what's bothering her, so that you can help her articulate her concerns.

Here's an example of another conversation I had with my daughter, a few months ago:

Sienna: Who do you love more, Daddy or Cam?

Me: I love them both the same amount.

Sienna: Then how come you kiss Cam more?

Me [surprised]: Do I? I don't think that's true.

Sienna: Yes, you do. And that's not fair. 'Cuz if you love them the same amount, then you should kiss them the same amount.

Me: But I love you and your brother the same amount, and I kiss you more than I kiss him, right?

Sienna: That's because Denali hates being kissed.

Me: Excellent point! Well, hmm. You seem really concerned about this. Are you worried that I love Cam more than Daddy? Are you worried that I'm hurting Daddy's feelings?

Sienna: Yes.

Me: I see. I don't think you need to worry about that, sweetheart. Daddy knows I love him tons and tons.

In a similar vein, if your child is normally talkative, an uncharacteristic lack of questions may be your cue to initiate a conversation, even if there is no overt evidence of distress. You may need to probe a little bit, and not simply assume that your child will broach a difficult topic on her own. When my son was nine years old, he and I had the following conversation, after I noticed that he had virtually nothing to say the day after my husband and his new girlfriend had spent the night together at our house:

Me: You're awfully quiet today. Was it weird that Lilianna had a sleepover with your dad?

Denali: A little, yeah. [Pause.] Was it okay with you that she slept over?

Me: Sure.

Denali: Even though she and Parker slept in the same bed?

Me: Of course.

Denali: You knew they were going to sleep in the same bed?

Me: I figured they would, yeah.

Denali: And... that was okay with you?

Me: Yeah.

Denali: Even if they didn't have clothes on?

Me: What makes you think they didn't have clothes on?

Denali: It sounded like they were getting dressed. In the morning.

Me: Oh. Well, I told Parker beforehand that whatever he and Lilianna wanted to do during their sleepover was fine with me. Were you worried that I would be upset if I found out they were naked? Did you think maybe I didn't know that might happen?

Denali: I wasn't sure.

Me: Parker and I talked about everything, sweetie, and I'm fine. Are you still worried?

Denali: No, if you're fine, I'm fine. I was just checking.

Me: I'm glad you checked. So let me ask you something – remember how I used to have sleepovers all the time with Scott? And that didn't seem to bother you. You never seemed to worry about it, or whether your dad was okay with it. So, I guess I'm wondering why you would be worried about me not being okay with Parker having a sleepover.

Denali: Wait...let me get this straight... Scott was your boyfriend?

Me: Yeah, what did you think he was?

Denali: I don't know. I didn't think about it. I was a little kid. He was just... Scott.

Me: All those years? The time he came to visit us in Denmark, and your dad was gone for a week on that architecture trip? Kissing each other goodbye, and not just on the cheek? You seriously didn't know?

Denali [shrugging]: I'm telling you – I didn't think anything of it. Huh. Wow. Scott was your boyfriend. A lot of things are suddenly making sense to me now!

{Note: Because I'm a mother giving advice to another mother, I feel the need to point out that I haven't shared these conversations because I think they showcase my parenting skills at their absolute finest. (Actually, I can hear that panel of snooty Parenting Experts from On High tsk-tsking as I type, going “overly-directive here!” and “overly-dismissive there!” Sheesh!) No, I've shared these conversations because I wanted to provide some examples of the kinds of questions your children might ask, and because I hope my responses demonstrate that it is possible to encourage open dialogue without getting into details that may not be age-appropriate.}

4) Do not ask your children to keep secrets for you. In an ideal world, children could repeat any conversation they have with their parents to anyone else, verbatim, and the worst outcome would be mild embarrassment, or a not-so-surprising “surprise” party, or something along those lines. However, we do not live in an ideal world, and if there is a piece of information your children absolutely must not repeat, do not share it with them. If being unintentionally “outed” as poly by your children would be a disaster – that is, if it would put you and/or your children at risk of social censure, or worse – you will need to be careful about what you say, and how you say it. And, of course, you will also need to be careful about what you do, and when you do it! (In other words: Don't have sleepovers. Don't kiss your other partners in front of your kids. You get the idea.) But no matter where you fall on the spectrum from “completely in the closet, with a kid-proof lock on the door” to “totally out in the open, napping naked in the sunshine,” your children are bound to have questions at some point, and I think you should answer them as honestly as you can. Perhaps you will have to omit certain details, or evade certain lines of inquiry, but do not lie. Human beings come equipped with incredibly sophisticated lie-detecting machinery, and even very young humans can often sense when someone isn't being straight with them. Please don't give your children cause to distrust you. If you cannot think of any way to answer a question honestly, and you cannot change the subject gracefully, simply say, “I'm sorry, honey, but I can't answer that question.” And when your child presses you for a reason why not, as she no doubt will, explain to her that some information is private. It's perfectly okay to ask your children for privacy. It's not okay to lie to them, or to tell them the truth only on condition that they keep it to themselves. Secrecy is too big a burden for a small child to bear. 

5) Find opportunities to point out that relationships can take many different forms, and talk with your kids about different kinds of families. With each of your children, there will come a Right Time to have The Conversation. I don't think there's a way to predict when that will be, exactly. Raising children is one of those “mileage may vary” deals, as I'm sure you're well aware. Our son was nine when the light bulb came on, so that's when we introduced him to the term “polyamory.” I suspect we'll be talking to our daughter a little bit sooner than that, or possibly a lot sooner – who knows? We'll have to wait and see. In the meantime, though, we've discussed all kinds of relationship-related topics with her. She knows that families come in all shapes and sizes. She is beginning to understand that social norms vary from culture to culture, that they tend to change over time, and that she need not allow them to dictate which path she takes in life. When the time comes for us to spell out for her all the ways in which her own family does not fit the traditional mold, she'll already have the context she'll need to make sense of that information, and the confidence she'll need to deal with the social consequences of sharing it, should she choose to do so. At any rate, this is how we approached things with our son, and he turned out great! (He's officially an adult now, which means I get to make official declarations about how he turned out – but if you'd rather hear him speak for himself, you can check out this guest post he wrote four years ago, at age fourteen, about what it's been like to grow up with parents whose relationship choices have placed them well outside the monogamous mainstream.)

Well, Poly Mama, I think this is a wrap. There's only so much advice you can stuff into one bitty burrito, you know? Maybe one of these days, I'll get around to writing a book, or editing a collection of essays, or at least contributing something more substantial to the still-developing public discourse on the unique challenges and rewards of being a polyamorous parent. Or maybe I won't. Either way, I get to rest on the greenest, glossiest, most gorgeously lucky laurels out there: my two brave, bright, beautiful, curious, open, thoughtful, socially-savvy children. May you be as blessed!

Coffee spoons and harvest moons,

Viny