Dear Viny,
Four years ago I entered into a monogamous relationship. It had been
years since I’d given monogamy a try. The relationship lasted two
years. Most of that time was wonderful. We had fantastic times
together. It also taught me that I am truly a natural-born
polyamorous human being. She is also 100% sure that she is inherently
monogamous. We agreed to disagree, and split up.
Two years later I’m still getting messages from her that she loves
me and wishes one of the two of us were different so that we could be
together. In the midst of her messages there are hurtful judgments. I
calmly point these out to her and she seems to understand. Yet the
judgmental messages continue. She has gone to great lengths to
understand poly ideas and problems. She even paid $100 for a
conference call with acclaimed clinician/author Charlie Glickman.
I don’t want to cut off communication with her, but I cringe when I
see an email from her in my inbox and sometimes avoid reading it for
days.
Any ideas you might have for negotiating non-judgmental communication
would be lovingly appreciated.
Thanks,
Polyperson
***
Dear Polyperson,
Forgive me for stating the obvious, but the problem here is that your
ex-girlfriend hasn't gotten over you. She's in limbo-land, neither
here nor there, unable to see her way out of the marshy mess of her
emotions. It's a miserable place to be. And you know what they say
about misery, and how much it enjoys entertaining visitors.
Unfortunately, what this means is that it doesn't matter what you say
or how clearly you say it: as long as your ex wants your company
more than she wants to move on, she's going to keep dragging you
into the mud with her.
Your ability to communicate isn't the issue. Her ability to
communicate isn't the issue. The issue is that you've moved on, and
she hasn't, and this feels all kinds of bad to her. So, if you don't
mind, I'd like to re-frame your question. How can you help your
former partner do what she so desperately needs to do? How can you
help her get over you, so she can get on with her life?
Now, I have an embarrassing confession to make: historically, I have
really sucked at helping my ex-partners get over me so that they can
get on with their own lives. Part of it is simple vanity (I mean, who
wants to be easily gotten over?), but another part of it is that I have a hard time understanding why it would ever be necessary to get over anyone. After
all, one of the greatest things about being poly is that we don't
have to do that stupid “burn all the old bridges and start over
from scratch with someone else” thing, right? We don't have to kick
anyone out of our hearts – or our beds – to make room for a new
love. Fan-fucking-tastic! There's
just one little problem: not everyone is like us.
Your ex-girlfriend is not like you.
She will probably have
difficulty developing
romantic feelings for anyone else as long as she's still in love with
you. As someone who cares
about her, you need to respect this fundamental difference, and do
what you can to cut her
free from the emotional ties that are keeping her stuck in regret and
recrimination.
I'm not sure of the best way to go
about this, but I'm pretty
sure it will involve less communication
between the two of you, at least for a time. My suggestion
is to remind your ex, gently but firmly, that the romantic
relationship is over,
and that there is no possibility
of resurrecting it as it was. Then,
ask her how she feels about
creating some
kind of ceremony to mark the
death of
your relationship, followed
by a mourning period during
which you don't interact with
each other at all. If
she doesn't like this idea – and she may not! – ask
her how she would prefer to
put your shared past to rest,
and be open to what she says.
Lemon pies & lullabies,
Viny
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