Dear Viny,
My wife is really
struggling with a new relationship of mine. I...don't really know
what to do about it. It's true that I've fallen hard, and it's only
been a month, but there is nothing family-threatening going on
here. Not even remotely. And, I think my wife knows that. We
have been happily poly for years now. Yes, I am in love, but I'm
definitely not going anywhere.
I'm trying to be
supportive, but it's difficult. My wife is all over the place.
For example, last
weekend, my wife was obviously super-upset. She said some...unkind
things. (Fair enough. I let her say them.) All very understandable,
all things considered. So we talked, and we cried, and I thought
things ended really well.
A little while later
she says that she should meet my new girlfriend, and doesn't even
know what she looks like. So I start trying to see when would be a
good time for them to meet. But apparently I was being way too pushy.
So, ok, fine. I
dropped it.
Then, a few nights
ago, my wife is again really upset, and we talk, and we cry. And
again, I feel like things are really good! We're solid.
Life is returning to normal, she and I are spending quality time
together. But...something is still wrong. What is it??
She says it's not
about me. She says it's not about us. Part of it is flashbacks to a
relationship I had a long time ago, which ended badly (which, ok, I
fully get that). But there's some other part that I don't get.
But she doesn't want to talk about it.
In fact, she doesn't
want to talk about my new relationship at all. Something wonderful
and magical is happening in my life, and my wife doesn't want to hear
anything about it! That's her request.
So now I have all
this stuff on my mind, but I have to keep it all from her. And that
is starting to trigger me. I don't want to be sneaking around! My
wife and I have always talked openly about our other relationships in
the past. “Don't ask, don't tell” always seemed like a fucked-up
arrangement to us. I don't want this to be fucked up... but if
she refuses to talk to me and makes me hide this...that's just not
going to go anywhere good.
But I can't say any
of this to her, because she doesn't want to talk about it. She says
she just needs a break from thinking about this.
Lay it on me, Viny:
What am I supposed to do?
– At Wits' End
***
Dear AWE,
Be
patient. And then be patient some more. And then continue to be
unrelentingly patient, for as long as it takes your wife to get over
the crisis of confidence she is currently experiencing.
If
you're wondering, “But how long will that be?”, just take
whatever you believe to be a reasonable
amount
of time, and triple it. People in the flush of NRE are notorious for
being on the fast-track to fantastic. I suspect that you have been
bombarding
your wife with “hurry up and be happy!” demands in every
conversation you've had with her thus far, whether
you mean to or not.
Please, back off. Give her the time she needs to work through her
difficult emotions.
Physiologically,
the acute phase of jealousy (yes, I think your wife is struggling
with jealousy) is kind of like being love-sick – except that there
is no hand whose touch will make it better. There's no relief in
sight. And it is accompanied by feelings not of openness and
expansion of self, but of smallness of self: the fear (or, worse, a
feeling of conviction) that one is not
enough.
This
is not about you. It’s not
about your new person. It's about your wife. I'm guessing that the
reason she “doesn’t want to talk about it” is that she wants a
break from being herself.
Right now, her
life feels like it's out of her control – in a very bad way. But her
previous life, the one she was living before you fell for this other
woman, seems
colorless and boring – not worth returning to. She wants to feel
better about herself,
but she doesn’t know how. And unfortunately, there isn’t much that you can do to
help her.
And
yet she needs your help, or at least she needs to feel like you want
to
help her. She
probably wishes she didn’t. She probably worries she's being a
drag, and if so, the
last thing she wants to do is remind you what a drag it is, dealing
with her – except that she can’t help herself. So, you are going
to get the hot & cold treatment. You are going to get the “I
need to meet her, ASAP – no, not NOW, I can’t handle it!”
tap-dance. Count on it. Prepare accordingly.
Be
patient, and then be patient some more, because your wife needs TIME
to see that there is nothing family-threatening going on here. There
is no way around the several months (or even longer) that it will
take to prove this to her.
Be
way more than your fair share of patient, because you have resources
she doesn’t have right now. You have reserves of self-esteem you
can tap into. You have a sense of excitement about the future. And
you have the support of someone new, someone who sees you at your best,
someone who is going to see your failings as adorable quirks and
who will feel honored by your vulnerability when you lay the worst parts of
yourself bare, as opposed to thinking, “Oh yeah, here’s this
thing about my partner that I’ve been banging my head against for
years.”
One
final suggestion: please, while you are being patient, remind your
wife why
you love her. It's not enough just to tell her that
you
love her, because
right now she can't imagine why anyone
would love her. She's too busy disliking herself.
This
is the only thing you can do for your wife besides simply being
patient while time goes by: help her rediscover what is lovable about
her. (And not just lovable, but also exciting, potentially, to
someone who has yet to discover her, in the way you and your new
partner are currently discovering each other.) Your wife may protest
that she doesn’t need this kind of attention and reassurance from
you, but chances are, that’s only because she wants not to need it.
Tell her what you love about her, specifically her, anyway. It will
help. It may not seem like it’s helping, but I promise, it will
turn out later to’ve helped.
Compassion
& Kombucha,
Viny
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