Dear
Viny,
I recently started
dating a former boyfriend again. We dated in high school and then
broke up in college, but kept in touch for a few years while we were
living in different cities. Now we live in the same city, and when we
first met up he told me that he only wanted an open relationship, and
that this was something he'd been considering for a year or so. I had
never considered it, but I decided to take an interest and see if
this was something I would enjoy because we have a history and are
able to communicate.
When we started, a
couple of months ago, he didn't have very strict boundaries and he
has slept with significantly more people than I have. He also
recently found someone else he'd like to date and I realized I was
having trouble overcoming jealousy so I asked if we could come to
some agreement as to boundaries. I asked him if he would be alright
keeping this new metamour as the only other person he has sexual
contact with and he said he would do that.
Last night a female
friend of his came into town who he has a sexual history with. He
told me that at the end of the night they kissed, and I was very
upset. He said he didn't realize kissing wasn't allowed. I felt as if
it was a big betrayal because I thought we had a clear agreement. We
got into an argument and he's "emotionally drained" and
suggested spending some time apart. I went home and decided that what
I needed was important and he needed to do at least one of the things
we agreed upon if he wants this to continue. I feel like he didn't
respect what I needed and I'm concerned that this won't work if
talking is draining for him. I shouldn't feel bad for communicating
what I want.
Do you have any
advice? I'm currently reading "The Ethical Slut" and trying
to get input from more experienced polys because I want to enjoy this
type of relationship as much as everyone says I can!
Thanks,
M
***
Dear M,
It sounds like you and
your boyfriend could both use a break – not from each other, necessarily, but from aspects of your relationship that are becoming
problematic. You seem genuinely interested in exploring polyamory,
but you need a break from your boyfriend's parade of new sexual
partners. And your boyfriend seems genuinely interested in connecting
with you, but he needs a break from conversations that focus
primarily on your hurt feelings.
Of course you have a
right to your emotions, and it is important for you to be able to
communicate how you feel. However, your boyfriend has the right to
set a boundary if he starts to feel overwhelmed by the amount of
emotional processing you want to do right now. Try to respect his
request for some time apart as a legitimate attempt to take care of
your relationship, rather than worrying that he doesn't care about
you enough to engage.
For his part, your
boyfriend has a right to his own body, and it is important for him to
be able to express himself sexually with consenting partners of his
choosing. However, you have the right to set a boundary if you start
to feel concerned that his choices are taking a toll on your physical
or mental health. In my opinion, he needs to honor your request that
he slow down and stop introducing new sexual partners into the mix,
at least until you have time to sort out your feelings and come to
clearer agreements.
My advice is for the
two of you to pack your metaphorical knapsacks and retreat into the
wilderness of your separate souls for, say, three or four days. Go
ahead and text each other “good morning” and “good night” if
you can't bear to be completely out of contact, but give each
other some serious space. With the gift of space comes the gift of
time: time in which you are not hashing
and re-hashing who did what to whom; not stewing
about the most recent insensitive or controlling or hypocritical
thing the other person did or said; not crying
into your cocktails while you argue and fret and try to
problem-solve; and yes, unfortunately, not having
passionate make-up sex – at least not yet.
I
suggest you use all this freed-up time to think about what you
want out of your relationship together. He can think about what he
wants with you, and you can think about what you want with him.
You've each had a few months to explore what it's like having an open
relationship, so now is also a good time to think about what you hope
to get out of this type of arrangement in the future. What gifts and
challenges have you encountered so far? Where do you hope to be in
six months from now? How about a year? Five years? I recommend
actually writing these things down, so that you aren't tempted
to change your story when the time comes to reconvene and compare
notes. It takes real courage to share who you really are and what you
really want, so agree beforehand that you will receive each other's
revelations in a spirit of compassion, without judging them. Also, be prepared
for discrepancies: the two of you probably don't want exactly the
same thing, and that's okay. The goal of this exercise is simply for
each of you to develop a clearer picture of what you want, so that
you can better identify the areas of overlap.
Once you understand how
your separate pictures match up, you can focus on the goals you have
in common. Relationships always function better when you are working
as a team to achieve something you both want.
Of course, there is the scary possibility that you will find out
there isn't much
overlap in your separate visions of the future. But if that's the
case, wouldn't it be better to find that out sooner rather than later?
Finally,
I want to leave you with a few thoughts on the difference between
boundaries and rules.
A
boundary is something
you set for yourself. A rule is
something you agree to follow for someone else's sake.
When
you are in a relationship, it is important to understand
each other's boundaries so that you can try to honor them whenever
possible – but you have to realize that the only boundaries you can
actually control are
your own. When there
is a mismatch – that is, when your partner's boundaries lie outside
your own comfort zone, or vice versa – you might want to agree on
some rules that will enable both of you to feel more comfortable. But
beware: every rule invites
interpretation and
every
interpretation invites misinterpretation and
every
misinterpretation invites conflict.
That
sounds ominous, doesn't it? Let me explain: whenever you make a rule,
you are in effect drawing a line in the sand. Then life happens, in
all its complexity: a breeze picks up, the tide comes in, and pretty
soon, all that's left of that line is your
memory vs. your partner's,
adorned with broken seashells and rotting bits of kelp. You thought
“no sexual contact between you and anyone but me and one other
person” meant one thing; he thought it meant another. Voilà: you
feel betrayed – and he probably feels betrayed, too!
So,
don't make rules lightly. In particular, be very careful about making
rules that change other people's already-existing relationships. In
this specific instance, your partner's friend, the visitor with whom
he has a sexual history, was affected by a rule you and your partner
agreed upon – but that she
had
no say in. That's a set-up for a conflict of interests. Your
boyfriend was in an awkward position: on one side, the Scylla of his
friend's expectation of affection; and on the other, the Charybdis of
your prohibition against it. Kissing his friend at the end of the
evening probably seemed like the safest route to take!
That's
my two cents. Don't spend it all in once place. ;-)
Heliotropes
and Isotopes,
Viny
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