Dear Viny,
I've been with my boyfriend for a few years, but we've only been in a poly relationship for about a year. I've had a vast range of outside relationships, but unfortunately he doesn't have as much luck with the ladies as he would like. Constantly feeling pent up and frustrated, he turns to me to vent and ask advice. I really want to be there for him, since he's been there for me, but it's become difficult for me to participate in these pessimistic conversations. I'm not sure what to say to him, half feeling like we may need space and also hoping things will improve on their own.
Regards,
A.
***
Dear
A.,
I
hear you on this one, sister. One of the most challenging periods of
my marriage occurred after
I got together with my first serious boyfriend but before
my husband got together with his first serious girlfriend. Our
relationship dynamic during that time was very much like what you've
described in your letter: my husband, feeling frustrated and
discouraged, turned to me for sympathy, advice, and reassurance; and
I, feeling concerned but
also annoyed
and resentful,
did my best to meet his needs – and utterly failed to fix his
problem.
If
I were giving advice to your boyfriend, I would probably say things
like, “Approach dating from the perspective of what you have to
give
to others, not what you hope to get
from them,” or, “Try putting yourself into situations where you
will meet other people in a setting that brings you joy, and just be
open to interacting, without specific expectations,” or, “Stop
fucking wallowing
already – don't you know it's super unattractive?!”
Those are all
things
I told
my husband during his woe-is-me phase, but none of them made one
sniffly sniglet of a difference. It was almost like he was determined
to feel bad about himself. And then a miraculous thing happened:
somehow, he ended up crushing on someone who returned his affections.
He was thrilled, as you might imagine, flooded with feel-good juice –
which made him much more fun to be around. And suddenly, all sorts of
women began suggestively sashaying out of the woodwork. I remember
going to a party with him around this time: no fewer than three women
remarked, in breathy tones, on how good-looking my husband was, and
one of them (after imbibing too much holiday punch) literally backed
him into a corner and attempted to make
out with him.
It was pretty
ironic:
the second he stopped needing more attention from women, he began
getting it. Desirability is strange in that way. It's the people who
are most deep-down convinced of their own attractiveness who are most
attractive to others.
So,
what to do when you're stuck in the negative version of that loop?
What recourse do you have when you fear you're not sexy enough, you
don't have what it takes, and – worst of all – you know
that
other people can sense your insecurity, because it stinks like skunk
stew?
You
step out of the loop, that's
what.
You stop evaluating yourself based
on what
you
think others
think of you, and you
get
to work on doing what you need to do in
order to
think more highly of yourself. You
focus on
self-improvement for
your
own
sake.
Sure,
you can always pray
for a prince or princess who is looking for a diamond in the rough, a
lover who
is willing to mine the whine, as it were, but such reprieves are
rare. What's more, the magical
boost
in self-esteem caused by another's positive regard is only temporary.
After my husband and his first girlfriend broke up, he was right back
where he started – except that he had learned a
very
important lesson: self-acceptance can only come from within.
I
could say a lot more about this, but your boyfriend isn't the one
asking for my advice, and your issue isn't really that you don't know
what to say to him. Your issue is that
you
have allowed his
problem to
become
your problem. This
wouldn't be so bad if the solution were in your hands, but it isn't.
He has to solve this one on his own. On
some level, you know this, and it's making you crazy: you're waiting
for him to get his shit together, so you can both enjoy your lives,
but you're beginning to despair. You feel powerless and put-upon.
It's like
he's holding you hostage. You think to yourself, “This is totally
unfair! Why do I have to feel bad, just because he's feeling bad?”
– and then a wave of guilt crashes over you, and you think, “This
is totally unfair! Surely I, who have so much, can muster up a bit of
compassion for someone with less?”
Does
this resonate? If so, I have some bad news: there is no such thing as
perfect parity – in any relationship, poly or otherwise. A “fair”
is for the pigs. Life's a bitch, and then you die. Et cetera. But
I have some
good
news, too:
you
do not need to fix your boyfriend's problem in order to feel better.
You only need to fix your
problem. And your
problem
is a simple boundary issue.
I
say “simple,” but I know very well how difficult it is to deal
with boundary issues. I'm still learning how to walk the tightrope of
interdependence without falling into codependence. Nevertheless, I
would like to share with you one fail-safe way to tell whether you
are maintaining healthy emotional boundaries: when
you get drawn into a conversation about someone else's problems, ask
yourself, “Am I experiencing feelings of anger or fear or anxiety
right now?” If the answer is yes, then
you are interpreting the situation as a threat to your autonomy, and
any empathy you may feel will be swamped by your desire to protect
yourself against the unwelcome intrusion of the other.
True
compassion cannot be forced. You
cannot be shamed or guilted or manipulated into empathizing with
another person's plight. When
you give of
yourself, you must give freely, or it isn't a gift: empathy
born out of a sense of duty
arrives
freighted with resentment,
obligating
the receiver to seem
grateful – and,
interestingly, true
gratitude cannot be forced, either.
This
may seem counter-intuitive, but your
ability to be there for your boyfriend actually
hinges
on your ability to separate yourself from him and
his problems.
Yes, A., you are absolutely
correct:
you need space.
My hope is that you can create
that
space without having
to distance yourself from someone
you
love.
Knickknacks
& Piggybacks,
Viny
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