Dear Viny,
I'm writing because I am looking for time
management strategies for people in multiple relationships. Everyone
in my life is important, and I don't see who or what I could cut out,
but I feel overwhelmed sometimes. I feel bad for complaining, since I
know I am lucky to have so much love in my life. There are people
that would appreciate being in even just one relationship. Yet, it's
like no matter what I decide to do in the free time I have (which is
not a lot), I am worried someone is feeling left out, or I think I am
probably forgetting something crucial, or getting way behind on something I should be attending to. Do you have any suggestions for how to fix this?
Thanks,
Stressed Out
***
Dear Stressed,
When I was in graduate
school, I had to put together a dissertation committee that included
members who were specifically outside my area of expertise,
and that meant approaching professors I didn't know well. In response
to my humble request for a tiny smidge of his valuable time, one guy
– we'll call him Dr. Snooty Bigname – came out with this gem:
“Everyone wants a piece of my action.” I almost laughed,
until I saw that he was completely serious. Ever since then, whenever
I or one of my partners complains about not having enough time,
someone will tease, “Aw, poor popular baby! Everyone
wants a piece of your action!”
It's tough being in
demand, isn't it? And part of what makes it so tough is that you feel
like a total heel if you complain about it. First-world problems, and
all that.
Yes, Stressed, there
are probably people out there who only *wish* they were dealing with your
issues right now. It's good to have some perspective, to realize that
you are indeed very fortunate. But don't let your gratitude turn into
guilt. Those of us who are rich in relationships do have
problems we have to address, and feeling like “everyone wants a
piece of my action, but there's not enough of me to go around” can be a real challenge.
I could write for hours
on this topic – but unfortunately, I don't have hours at my
disposal right now. I have 30 minutes, if that. So here's what I am
going to do: I'm gonna skip all the advice about scheduling and
identifying priorities and all that, and go straight to my Number One
Tip for How to Feel Like You Have Enough Time for All the Very Important People in
Your Life, which is actually super simple:
Start with yourself,
and spend some quality time alone.
I'm
serious. When did you last give yourself the kind of attention
you're giving to others? When did you last devote a substantial
amount of time to self-care (without worrying that you were somehow
“wasting” time you could have spent
connecting with loved ones)?
If your answer is, “Um...???”,
then you have indeed been neglecting your most important
responsibility.
It
may seem counter-intuitive to spend more time alone when you're
already concerned that you aren't spending enough time with other
people, but you have to remember that there is an inverse correlation
between how stressed out you feel and how “there” you are able to
be for someone else.
If your
emotional reserves are depleted, you
have nothing to give.
Obvious? Maybe. Or maybe
not. In
my experience, introverts
are better
at monitoring that blinking “need to refuel” light on their
internal dashboards; those of us who are more extroverted are too often running
on fumes before it occurs to us that we'd
better pop into the “Me Time” station for some much-needed
petrol if we don't want to break down in rush-hour traffic.
Whether
you are introverted or extroverted, though,
it is an undeniable truth that being
in multiple intimate relationships takes
more energy. Which
means you are actually
going to have to refuel more
often than someone in
one relationship, not less.
I wish I could say more, but this is going to have to suffice for now, because I'm off to the Oregon coast for my annual “two days all to
myself” retreat.
Should you happen to run into me, sitting alone in a cafe with my
cup of clam chowder, or running along
the beach, a lone figure against
a backdrop of
ocean and windswept sand,
please don't say hello. ;-)
Seashells
and Sympathy,
Viny
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