Dear Viny,
My husband and I
opened up our marriage about three years ago with marvelous results.
I've talked to my mother about it, and she's been understanding and
supportive. I haven't told my father yet because he is conservative,
traditionally moral, and would be horrified (bless his Midwestern
heart). The problem is, my mom sees how great this relationship model
has been for me and has told me she would love to give it a try! My
parents married each other when they both had children from previous
marriages, and they were great parents together. Since all the little
birdies have flown the nest, they haven't been so great at just being
spouses together. It kills me to think of my mom being stuck and
unfulfilled for the rest of her life. It also kills me to think of
them separating because it would crush my dad (he viewed his first
divorce as a gross personal failure). I can't quite tell my mom she
should just find a little something-something on the side. What to
do?
– A Dutiful
Daughter
***
Dear Dutiful,
I'm so glad you wrote
in with this question, because your feelings vis a vis your
parents' troubled relationship strike a familiar chord: I have been
grappling with a similar problem. My parents, like yours, built the
kind of relationship dictated by the social norms of their
generation. Forty years ago, when my mom and dad got married, they
assumed they were aiming for the stasis of “happily ever after.”
They viewed every inevitable change as a fall from grace, with the
result that they are now stuck in the mire of their separate regrets.
They focused almost exclusively on their nuclear family, and
neglected to invest in an intimate network of friends, with the
result that they are now socially impoverished. They allowed
themselves to fall into dependence and co-dependence, probably as a
way of guaranteeing that they would always need each other, with the
result that neither learned how to honor the other's autonomy.
So I called them up
yesterday, and I said, “Hey, I
know y'all think my lifestyle is immoral and unethical and all, but you guys
are so miserable, I figure you might be open to anything at this
point, even relationship advice from me. Why don't you let me tell
you about all the stuff I've learned over the last fifteen-plus
years, and maybe you could give some of it a try? I'm not saying you
have to open your marriage or anything – although, Mom, have you
considered how great it would be if you had a partner who was capable
of supporting you emotionally? Dad, has it occurred to you that there
are women your age who still enjoy having sex?”
And
they said, in perfect unison, “Wow, Viny, we are so lucky to have a
daughter who can offer us a perspective different from our own. Maybe
there is a way we can adapt some of your ideas so that they will work
for us. Please, tell us more!”
Yeah,
right. April Fool's.
Unfortunately,
Dutiful, it's probably too late for our parents to turn their ailing
marriages around. My folks will probably limp all the way to their
side-by-side graves, squabbling as they go. Yours may split up before
death does them part, or they may not, but you will most likely have
zero control over which path they choose to take, so you might as
well resign yourself to accepting whatever outcome comes. As
dutiful daughters, the best thing we can do for our parents is to
accept them for who they are, be there for them when we can, and try
to model healthy ways of relating. And the best thing we can do for
ourselves is to let go of our attachment without letting go of our
love.
(All
easier said than done, I realize. I can be all lotus-heart
enlightened when I'm typing away in my quiet house on a rainy Tuesday
morning, but ask me how I'm doing three weeks from now, when my folks
will be here for Easter, and I bet I will be singing a scratchier
tune!)
Before
I sign off, I do have one
tiny question for you. You say you have talked to your mother, but
not your father, about the fact that you and your husband now have an
open marriage. Have you asked your mother to keep this information
secret? In other words, is there a meaningful conversation your
parents could be
having but aren't,
simply because your mother is under the impression that you do not
want her to share your news? If so, is it possible that you are
unwittingly widening the rift between your parents in your efforts to protect them from each other? Just something
you might want to consider....
Peace & Parsnips,
Viny
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