Dear Viny,
I'm in a
relationship with a woman who is in an open marriage. Of course I'm
fine with that (otherwise I wouldn't have started the relationship).
But I don't see the need to advertise the fact that she's someone
else's wife, so when I've introduced her to certain people in my life
I've kind of implied that she's not married. Now she says this makes
her uncomfortable. But it seems like by not divulging the nature of
our relationship I'm saving those other people from being
uncomfortable. We seem to be at an impasse about this.
– M.E.
***
Dear M.E.,
What exactly do you
mean, you have “kind of implied” your married lover isn't
married? And who, exactly, are the people you have introduced her to?
I don't think context is everything, but it certainly helps most
people distinguish between behavior that's reasonable and behavior
that's totally uncool.
Let's say your Great
Aunt Gertrude calls you up and querulously inquires, once again,
whether you are ever going to find yourself a nice girl and settle
down. You reply that you're actually dating someone wonderful, but
you neglect to mention that settling down with this particular girl
would mean also settling down with the nice boy she married. This is
called glossing over inconvenient facts.
Let's say you and your
honey check into a Bed and Breakfast, and the nauseatingly cheerful
folks who run the place want to know every blooming thing about you –
how long you've been together, where you live, whether you have any
children, what you think of the deplorable lack of morality among our
country's young people today, etc. You make up something plausible
just to get them off your back. This is called none of their
beeswax.
Let's say the two of
you run into a group of your friends at the local karaoke bar, and
they're all excited because they finally get to meet the girlfriend
they've heard so much about: “So this is the famous Pookie!” You
expect her to spend the next three hours pretending she doesn't have
a husband. You also expect her to keep up the ruse in future social
situations with these people, and to avoid accepting any friend
requests from them because her Facebook relationship status
contradicts what you've implied about her. This is called being a
dick.
You say you don't have
a problem with your lover's open marriage, but I'm not sure I believe
you. You claim to be primarily concerned about avoiding discomfort
for other people, but it seems that
your real concern is avoiding your own feelings of discomfort. I have
to ask: are you really cut out for the relationship you're in?
Listen, I don't think
you need to get into the nitty-gritty details with everyone who might
be scandalized by them. However, I do think you ought to be aware of
the potential difficulties you and your lover may run into if you
give other people an inaccurate impression of the nature of your
relationship. I also think you should attempt to understand where she
is coming from: if you're always presenting her to others as someone
she's not, you inadvertently give her the message that you are
ashamed of the person she actually is.
Your situation reminds
me of something that happened to me a few years back. My
then-boyfriend had been invited to dinner at the home of an elderly
couple he knew, and they had told him he was welcome to bring a date.
So he brought me. He felt that it would be best if we just didn't
mention the fact that I had a husband and two kids, and I willingly
agreed to play “suitably single” for the evening. I enjoy a good
acting challenge, and I'm not opposed to a bit of intrigue. In
reality, though, it was a far more difficult role than I had
anticipated. I found it almost impossible to carry on a semi-normal
conversation without telling outright lies about myself. I spent the
whole evening dodging questions, cleverly obfuscating, and chewing
vigorously. I was so relieved when that dinner was over!
Unfortunately, the end
of the evening was only the beginning of the awkwardness. A few
months later, relatives of my husband's came to town, and they wanted
me and my husband to meet some dear old friends of theirs, who
happened to be – you guessed it! – the same sweet couple I'd
already met with my boyfriend.
Yeah. It was quite the
comedy of errors, and I vowed I would appear as no one but myself in
future productions.
All things considered,
M.E., I'm going to have to side with your lover on this one. Please
give her my regards.
Creampuffs &
Confetti,
Viny
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