Dear Viny,
I'm developing
feelings for a guy (let's call him "Evan") who says he's
into both myself and my partner. My partner seems more ambivalent
about Evan, which is frustrating me. My partner and I have been doing
"V" relationships in a couple of different directions for a
while now and I'd really like to try a triad for once. Evan is
super-cute, really into both of us, and a great kisser. While my
partner hasn't rejected him outright, he pushed for a 3-way with a
new guy over a date with Evan last weekend. Even if my partner
continues to be ambivalent, I still plan to see Evan and see where it
leads. I know that if my partner and Evan are going to make a
connection it's got to happen organically, but do you have any
suggestions to (a) help them connect and/or (b) help make sure Evan
doesn't get hurt by my partner not returning his feelings?
--Angling for a
Triad
***
Dear
Angling,
Have
you asked your partner why he feels ambivalent about Evan? It could
be that your partner simply doesn't feel an attraction to the guy; or
the issue could be more complicated than that. How does your partner
feel about triads? Does he share your desire to share a lover, or
would he prefer to keep your threesomes casual? If your partner's
ambivalence stems from underlying feelings of jealousy, he's going to
have a tough time feeling enthusiastic about any guy
you're really into.
Don't
proceed on assumptions. Give your partner the chance to express
himself directly, and reassure him that you will do your best to
listen with an open mind. Once you are reasonably sure you understand
where your partner is coming from, you will have a better idea of
what, if anything, you can do to facilitate a connection between him
and Evan.
If
your partner is attracted to Evan, but doesn't want to have to watch
you getting all lovey-dovey with him, then you might consider
encouraging your partner and Evan to go out without you
a few times. Meanwhile, you and your partner can talk more about what
it would mean to expand your dyad into a triad. If it turns out that
he just isn't ready to take that step, you will need to accept how he
feels and stop trying for triangles.
However,
if the real problem is that Evan leaves your partner limp, you
definitely shouldn't push for a sexual connection between the two of
them. You think Evan is super-cute, but the smile that sends you into
the stratosphere might remind your partner of some douchebag in his
freshman gym class. Romantic chemistry is often a mystery. Assuming
your partner finds Evan basically likeable, you could arrange for the three of you to spend time together at
venues where there's very little opportunity for a hook-up. (This is
the best way to spare Evan's feelings, by the way: avoiding
situations in which your partner feels pressured to reciprocate.)
It's possible that, over time, your partner may warm up to Evan, but
he's probably never going to get hot for him.
Triads
are tough to get just right. What are the chances you and your
partner are going to find the same person equally appealing? I know it sounds
counter-intuitive, but your partner may be actually unlikely to
like the guys you pick, and you might not be any more likely to like guys he picks. The two of you share a lot in common – and
that's precisely why
you are both going to be drawn to people who have something different
to offer, something the two of
you aren't already getting
from each other. Let's say you and your partner bonded over a mutual
love of anime and ice-skating. Enter Evan, whom you like because he's
into, say, astronomy and home décor – but your partner is bored to
tears by conversations about whether or not you should order those
“Moons of Saturn” throw pillows. If your partner had his
'druthers, he would prefer to date someone who's all about health
food – but, unfortunately, the mere mention of a
chia-flaxseed-spinach-spirulina shake makes you ill.
I'm
not saying triads are impossible, mind you. I know one MF couple that
became a MFF triad after the woman fell in love with one of her
female friends. It took a little while for the man to bond with his
partner's new lover, but he did end up developing feelings for her,
and the three of them have been living together happily for several
years now.
I
understand your desire to close that “V.” For me, one of the
deepest delights of being in open relationships is being able to
share someone I love with someone else I love. Even when jealousy
comes up – and, if there's sexual chemistry involved, it always
does – it doesn't stand a chance against the “all's right with
the world!” euphoria I get when everyone is getting along. There's
a flip side to that coin, though. I tend to feel disappointed when
two people I love fail to make any sort of friendly connection –
or, even worse, actually disapprove of each other. In these cases, I
sometimes have to remind myself that their lack of enthusiasm is not
some kind of personal affront to me.
You're
wise to realize that a connection between your partner and Evan will
have to develop organically, if it's going to develop at all. It's
one thing to foster friendships between other people by creating
opportunities for them to interact; it's another thing entirely to
insist that their feelings follow your agenda.
Bangles
and spangles,
Viny
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