Common Poly Challenges #17: "Out-ness" Incompatibility

Here's a hypothetical & somewhat over-dramatized scenario loosely based on a real-life issue that arose for a friend of mine this past week:

Person A and Person B have been dating for about a year.

Person A is part of a network of pansexual, kinky, totally-out-of-the-closet poly folks. Person B is one half of a heterosexual couple who opened their marriage not long before Person A entered the picture. Person B's primary partner is introverted, somewhat conservative, and plans to stay in the poly closet indefinitely.

So A and B have weekly dates but do not interact much socially, or hang out with each other's families, other than a couple of perfunctory "let me introduce you to my important people" meetings. 

Then Person B's child and Person A's child end up registering for the same summer camp, quite by chance.

Person B figures out the coincidence and asks their in-the-closet spouse, "Hey, can I tell our kid that Person A's kid will be at camp too? 

The spouse says no, fearing that this piece of information will lead to a conversation about just who Person A is, anyway, which would totally open that closet door.

Person A, who would like to tell their kid that Person B's kid will be at the same summer camp, now feels duty-bound to respect the wishes of Person B's spouse. So even though Person A feels weird about this level of secrecy, they don't say anything to their kid either.

The two kids head off to their 3-week summer camp, each unaware of the existence of the other. Can you guess what happens next?

8 Pro Tips for Great Group Sex

Hey, happy 4th of July to all my 'Merican readers! Here, as promised, are my tips for how to engineer a non-disastrous group sex experience. Let the fireworks begin!

1) Start with Social Intercourse

In other words: talk first, play later. Yes, sometimes these things happen spontaneously – and isn’t that fun! – but I guarantee you, you’ll all be happier on that fabled “morning after” if you take some time out to check in with each other first. If you’re not sure how to have The Talk, I recommend this website on the STARS approach. The letters stand for STI status, Turn-ons, Avoids, Relationship intentions, and Safer sex etiquette. Before any group sexual encounter, it’s imperative at least to exchange information on STI status and come up with a game plan for safer sex that will work for everyone involved. You can have this conversation electronically or in person – just make sure to have it! I also highly recommend an upfront discussion about “avoids” – that is, anything off-limits. It’s easier to navigate the complexities of group sex when everyone has a clear idea of how much territory they’ll be exploring together. However, both “avoids” and “turn-ons” can safely be discussed (or otherwise communicated) as they arise, even if the event is already in full swing, so it isn’t strictly necessary to check them off beforehand. As for having a conversation about “relationship intentions” – well, that’s up to you. In my experience, group sex is remarkably free from the “What does this MEAN for us?” sorts of questions that tend to arise after two people have sex with each other. And that’s part of its charm! However, if there is potential for jealousy to arise after the feel-good waves have subsided, it is definitely a smart move to discuss this with anyone who might be in the emotional tsunami zone.

2) Pack Lightly

You’ll enjoy yourself more if you go into group sex without a lot of expectations, especially if the dynamic is a new one for you. Bring your curiosity, your willingness to experiment, your sense of humor, and a commitment to honor your own and others’ personal boundaries. Leave the rest behind.

3) Keep Consent in the First-Person Singular

In a dyadic sexual encounter, it is up to each person to communicate a clear “yes” or “no”. It shouldn’t be any different in group sex.

If you are part of a couple, and you have made prior agreements about what you can and cannot do in group settings, it is up to each of you to keep those agreements as individuals. Don’t expect other participants to “respect your relationship” – that’s your job, not theirs. Keep your partner’s feelings and preferences in mind when deciding what your personal boundaries are, and take responsibility for communicating those boundaries to other participants using “I” statements. Check your codependency at the door.

4) Find a Focus

Group sex can be chaotic. It’s like playing in a band: if everyone shows up to the jam session with a different idea about timing, tempo, and musical genre, and then everyone proceeds to play a different instrument in a different key, it’s going to be cacophony. Not even the most coordinated drummer could keep the beat in that scenario. But if everyone in the band works together, it’s pure music. There are several ways of finding a focus and thereby increasing your chances of playing harmoniously. You can agree on a song beforehand; you can have a “conductor” who gives everyone their cues or a “soloist” whom everyone else is accompanying; you can structure the piece around a duet, with other instruments simply keeping time; or you can take turns improvising, the way they do in jazz ensembles, so that every player has a chance to shine. Mix and match, as desired.

 5) Share the Spotlight

This is a no-brainer: don’t hog all the attention; don’t take all the space; don’t block all the access. Even if everyone else agrees that you are the star of the show, and it’s all about your pleasure, no one should feel left out. Try to interact with each person at some point, even if it’s just a smile or a hand on the arm to make them feel included. And remember, it’s always okay to take a break and let others play without you. Conversely, if you are generally a more timid sort, don’t be afraid to ask for attention or take a turn directing the action.

6) Better Underdone than Overdone

I realize this sounds a little bit silly in the context of group sex, which is so gloriously excessive by nature, but that’s kind of my point: since you already have so much more – more arms and legs and naughty bits, more positions, more possibilities – it’s wise to dial it back in other ways. As one of our recent fivesome participants put it, “I’d rather do less, and want to play again, than feel bad that it went too far.” The same “less is more” guideline applies to the use of alcohol and recreational drugs as part of a group sex experience: substance-inspired is fine, but since substance-impaired is such a problem, you’re better off playing it safe and avoiding substances entirely if you don’t think you can keep your consumption in check. If you have to get completely fucked up to do what you’re doing, chances are you shouldn’t be doing it.

7) Slow Down!

There’s a lot to process during a group sex experience. Give yourselves plenty of time to savor all the sensual sights and sensations.

8) Don’t Forget the Aftercare

The BDSM concept of “aftercare” is useful in the context of group sex, even if your favorite flavor is vanilla-on-vanilla-on-vanilla. So, when everyone’s sexual energy is spent, share some group affection: give each other high-fives, take turns massaging each other while you go over the highlights, enjoy a sandwich hug or cuddle puddle – whatever feels right. Use this winding-down time to check in with each other. Then, once the group has disbanded, check in with yourself: do you need some alone time to re-center? If you are part of a couple, check in with each other: do you need some just-the-two-of-you time to reaffirm your relationship? If you are new to group sex, you may find some parts of the experience intense, or even unsettling in retrospect. Maybe you discovered something about yourself or a partner that surprised you. Maybe you thought you would enjoy something you ended up not liking, or maybe you enjoyed something you hadn’t realized you would like. Good aftercare, dispensed in a spirit of generous camaraderie, will go a long way toward smoothing any ruffled feathers.