Dear Viny,
How do I tell my mom I'm Poly? I want to tell her so she doesn't
think I'm cheating. I also want to tell my boyfriends. I'm scared
they won't love me anymore.
Regards,
H.
***
Dear H.,
Telling people the truth can be incredibly difficult, especially when
we are afraid that someone is going to find the truth upsetting. I don't
know anything about your mom or your boyfriends, so I don't know how
they might respond if you tell them you are polyamorous. It's
entirely possible that they will react badly. In fact, I can just
about guarantee that your boyfriends are going to be unhappy with you.
And do you know why? Because, my sweet peach parfait, being poly
doesn't mean you aren't cheating.
Let me explain what I mean. When you say, “I'm poly,” I assume
it's because your experience with your boyfriends has shown you that
you are capable of being in love with more than one person at a time.
However, being poly in orientation is not the same thing as being in
a poly relationship. There are plenty of people in the world who are
poly in orientation but monogamous in practice. (And I bet that the
reverse is also true.) So, we need to distinguish between BEING poly
and DOING poly. As far as I can tell, you may be poly, but you aren't
doing poly (yet). Doing poly means that you have multiple
sexual/romantic partners at the same time, with the knowledge and
consent of everyone involved. If your boyfriends do not know
about each other, and they have not consented to being in a
polyamorous relationship, they're going to view your behavior as
“cheating,” and rightly so.
Unfortunately, you are in a bit of a pickle, and there is no way you
can ensure that getting out of it will be all relish and no dill.
You're going to have to be brave.
Here's what I suggest. If you and your mom have a good relationship,
and you think she is likely to be supportive, then by all means talk
to her first. Explain to her that you are involved with more than one
guy, and that you feel you are polyamorous in orientation. You might
even ask for her advice about how to handle the task of talking to
your boyfriends. Who knows – this could turn out to be a great way
for you and your mother to get closer. On the other hand, if you are
pretty sure that telling your mom you're poly is only going to add to
the drama, then focus on fixing the situation with your boyfriends
first.
In my opinion, you have two basic choices for how to deal with your
boyfriends: 1) pick one boyfriend and end things with the other(s),
so that you are no longer cheating; or 2) tell them the truth, and
allow each to decide whether or not he wants to continue being your
boyfriend, given who you are and what you think you want out of your
relationships. I recommend that you go with option 2. It's more
honest. And in my experience, relationships have the best chance of
succeeding when the people in them are truthful with each other. Do
be aware, though, that the best time to tell the truth is before
you get into a romantic entanglement, not after. Your
boyfriends may decide it's “too little, too late” if you tell
them the truth now. There are all kinds of reasons why they might not
want to be with you after you 'fess up: for example, because they're
hurt by the fact that you didn't tell them sooner, or they're worried
they won't be able to trust you in the future, or they simply don't
fancy the idea of being in a poly relationship.
I still think you should tell your boyfriends the truth. Even though
they might stop loving you. If a relationship can't survive the
truth, you are ultimately better off without it.
Good luck, dear H. No matter what happens, please remember this:
being poly does not make you less lovable. Whoever you are,
however you define yourself, and whatever faults you may have, when
you choose to show up in your relationships as the real you, you are
always worthy of love.
Tamarinds and Tamarisks,
Viny
