Dear Viny,
I'm balls deep in
poly and have been in a stable situation for over eight years now.
There's always the question of whether or not to disclose this to new
friends, dentists or hair stylists. Do I feel compelled to out
myself? No.
But, I have made
some significant life changes in the last year that make my personal
life a non-issue in my professional life (working entirely online).
It has been very freeing and frankly, a relief.
That being said, I
get tired of dancing around the issue or being intentionally vague.
When I climb onto the massage table and my therapist says "How
was your weekend?", I want to be honest.
Can I? Should I? Do
I shut the fuck up and say as little as possible? What say you on the
topic of being casually honest?
Sincerely,
Red State Romeo
***
Dear Romeo,
Casual Honesty sounds like a winning pony to me! Saddle her up and
take her for a run! After all, what have you got to lose?
I can just picture you, reclining in a powder-blue chair with a goofy
bib clipped under your chin, while the dentist squints at your chart,
distractedly snapping her latex gloves. She asks you about your
weekend, not because she gives a crap, but because customer
satisfaction surveys have indicated that people really want to be
asked asinine questions about themselves, even when their mouths are
stuffed so full of cotton gauze they can't utter a single
intelligible syllable in reply. Luckily, there's nothing in your
mouth yet. “Oh, wow, I had the most fantastic weekend,” you
enthuse, “Me 'n' Snuggles 'n' Sara, along with some of the other
sweeties in our little love-tribe, won the Lube Lick-off at
Polypalooza!” The dentist looks at you with furrowed brows. “Did
you know that lubricants can be very damaging to your enamel?” Then
she pulls out the biggest syringe she can find, and commands, “Open
wide!”
Yeah, as long as you can deal with a wee bit of discomfort, I see no reason why you shouldn't answer a casual question with
casual honesty. If it's socially acceptable for a monogamous person
to say, “I had a great weekend! I introduced my boyfriend to the
whole fam damily, and my parents just loved him!”, then it
should be acceptable for a polyamorous person to say the same thing:
“I introduced my new boyfriend...and my [wife/husband/wife and
husband/other partners/tribe/whatever labels work for your
situation] just loved him!” Of course, it isn't
acceptable yet, but it should be, and you can do your part to
make it more acceptable by behaving as though it is. When you
respond to a polite question with a polite-but-scandalous reply, you
effectively shift the parameters of what you are allowed to mention
in polite conversation.
This kind of honesty has a light touch, and most likely won't be
perceived as a threat. Your matter-of-fact, “this is what my life
is like” disclosures may get met with some looks of blank
incomprehension, or perhaps raised eyebrows and requests for
clarification, which would then result in either A) communication
shut-down, or B) lots and lots of questions, but my guess is that,
particularly when dealing with people in the service or caring
professions, you won't see a lot of overt hostility. Think about it
this way: whether or not your hair stylist or massage therapist
approves of your lifestyle, you have just given him or her a really
great story to tell the next client or the folks back home. If bad comes to worse, and things get super awkward, or they refuse to
let you book another appointment, so what? There are plenty of
savvier businesspeople out there who will gladly accept your money.
With any luck, they'll have personal views more in line with your
own.
So yes, Romeo, I think you can be casually honest. Moreover, I
think you should be. Why? Because you have so little to lose
by saying what you want to say, when you want to say it. There are
still so many people out there who can't be honest about who
they are and how they've chosen to live their lives. They have a lot
more to lose – their kids, their job, their social standing, their legal
rights – and they have decided they can't risk it. People like you
can make the world a safer place for people like them.
Casual honesty is a luxury. If you can afford it, I say enjoy the
hell out of it. You'll be doing us all a big favor.
Teparies and peccaries,
Viny
