NRE, Jealousy, and the Ineffable Nature of Sexual Desire

Dear Viny,

My partner is in a new relationship, which has really increased his sex drive. You might not think this would be a problem, since just a few months ago I was complaining that I wished we had more sex, and we both agreed to try dating other people as a possible solution. However this is not what I was hoping for. The way he's acting just makes me feel gross, not sexy. He goes out with her, and then after he comes home he's all ready to go again. I wish I could believe that his desire had anything to do with me, but I can't. He is obviously only excited because of this new person he's seeing. I'm just the boring person he's lived with for the last four years. I don't want to be like the wife who stays at home waiting for her husband to get back from the strip club because that's the only way he can ever get it up. Just to put it bluntly, thinking that my partner might be thinking about another woman while he's fucking me makes me want to vomit. Help.

– Not Interested in Leftovers

***

Dear NIL,

Before I go any further, I need to mention the fact that it's four thirty-seven in the morning, and I'm sitting at my desk in a terrycloth robe, a striped sports bra, and an ice pack: my right breast was biopsied yesterday afternoon for a possible malignancy, which means that I'm now feeling quite sore. There are several reasons why I'm bringing this up. First of all, I don't want to be held responsible for the quality of my writing or anything “off” about my tone. It's crazy early, and I'm distracted by my own drama. Secondly, while I'd rather not admit this, I'm probably playing this situation up for effect (and sympathy). So...backpedaling a bit: chances are, I'm gonna be fine. The current screening technology for breast cancer is super sensitive, which is no doubt a good thing, but unfortunately the medical mantra in the U.S. seems to have become “first, don't get sued” instead of “first, do no harm.” Biopsies are the new black – everyone's getting them, whether they need them or not. This brings us to the third reason why I'm boring you with details about my personal life: I'm a person. Being a person means playing roles in other people's scripts, but there's not a single one of us who wants to be reduced to a role. I may be playing a bit part in the story of your life, as a disembodied dispenser of advice, but that's not who I am.

[Enough about me. Let's talk about you. What do you think about me?]

The point I am trying to make, in an admittedly circuitous and self-indulgent way, is that it is completely normal and natural for you to want your partner to treat you like a human being – and not just any human being, either, but you, your own self, in all your glorious, quirky, ineffable...selfness. And, since you happen to be in pain (the emotional distress of jealousy, in your case), it is also completely normal and natural to want your partner to acknowledge that pain, and to demonstrate some understanding and respect for your tender feelings, before he commences with his “How 'bout you help me with my hard-on?” program.

Let me gently suggest, however, that right now you may not be the best judge of where your partner is coming from (as it were). Jealousy casts a sickly green pall over everything. It makes you look bad. It makes your partner look bad. It makes your relationship look bad. If you are viewing the world through the distorting lenses of jealousy, then you ought to entertain the idea that you are misinterpreting your partner's motives and intentions. Maybe what's making you sick actually has very little to do with him, or anything he's doing with this new lady friend of his. Maybe it's all in your head.

Try this on for size: when your partner comes home from a date in a sexy mood, and he lets you know, either directly or indirectly, that he is interested in having sex with you, it's probably because he wants to have sex with you.

I don't know this, of course. It's possible that your guy is a total prick. Maybe he actually subscribes to the belief that one hole is the same as another. Maybe he thinks of you as nothing more than his fuck-toy – but only if he happens to feel like playing, and only if he gets to imagine you're Barbie while he's playing with you. In which case, you should kick his sorry ass to the curb, immediately. But assuming your guy is a decent human being, please give him the benefit of a doubt.

It is common knowledge that the heady hormonal cocktail known as NRE, or new relationship energy, is a strong libido-enhancer. What is less well-known is that people with multiple sexual partners often experience this temporary increase in sex drive as a more general phenomenon: that is, feeling excited about having sex with a new partner makes us feel more excited about having sex with our other partners, too. I've watched this happen many times: with me, with my partners, with poly friends and acquaintances – and (somewhat less reliably) with people who are cheating on someone. Speaking just from my own experience, an exciting date with an exciting new partner is likely to leave me in one of two moods: either I want some time alone afterward, so I can process my recent experience in private; or I really want to connect with my other partner(s), preferably by having sex a.s.a.p. (Sometimes I'm in both moods at the same time, which does present a dilemma.) If I'm feeling like I want to be by myself after a date with a new partner, it's not because I no longer find my “old” partner(s) desirable; it's simply because because I want to be fully present and focused on whomever I'm with, without feeling like I've got to repress certain memories and sensations in order to do so. If, on the other hand, I'm feeling like I want to reconnect, it's usually due to a complicated mix of some or all of the following: I'm still physically amped up; engaging with a new person has given me a renewed appreciation for all the things I love about my other partner(s); I am concerned about my other partner(s) feeling unloved or unappreciated, and I want to reassure them that isn't so; I am anxious that what I have just done will end up damaging my pre-existing relationship(s), and I want to reassure myself that isn't so; I'm feeling super hot, and it's fun to exercise my sexual power; I'm feeling loved and lucky, which makes me want to share my good fortune with everyone. The foregoing list is far from exhaustive, but I can assure you that “I get my jollies from taking advantage of people who are too stupid to realize I don't really care about them” isn't on it anywhere. I'll bet it isn't on your partner's list of motivations, either.

You might argue that it doesn't “count” if your partner wants to have sex with you because you're feeling bad, or because he's feeling good. You might argue that it doesn't “count” if his mojo was in any way influenced by anything other than pure, unalloyed lust for you-and-no-one-else, even though it would be exceptionally irrational to insist on that. Jealous people aren't known for being rational. Speaking from my own experience again: if one of my partners has an exciting date with an exciting new partner, and he doesn't make an obvious attempt to initiate sex with me immediately afterwards, I assume this is because every experience he's had with me has been completely eclipsed by this new experience, and I am no longer desirable to him, or to anyone else, which means I might as well shave my head and become a nun. If, on the other hand, he seems particularly eager to initiate sex with me, I assume it's not really about me at all, because, as we've just established, I am no longer desirable to anyone anymore, and if I allow myself to capitulate to his simulacrum of desire, or even to my own genuine desire, I will be demonstrating a complete lack of self-respect.

Believe me, I am familiar with the whole cascade of jealousy-related bullshit, which for me includes wild pendulum swings (desire → disgust → desire → disgust) whenever I have to contemplate opening myself up (read: allowing myself to be vulnerable) to someone who's just come from having sex with someone else. It's so predictable, I swear. Like fuckin' clockwork. At least by this point I know what to expect, and can attempt to have a little fun when I sense those gears beginning to grind in my brain. (I summed up my most recent episode of jealousy with one sentence in my journal: “My ovaries are gonna pout, now, because we got our feelie-weelies hurt and no longer feel special.”) 

Negotiating consensual sex under the influence of an NRE + jealousy combo is a complicated affair, Nil. It may be too much for you and/or your partner to handle right now, especially as you have evidently not yet worked through the issues around sex that prompted you to open your relationship in the first place. Yes, you can work through those pre-existing issues while your partner is skipping around in NRE la-la land and you are trudging through the sloughs of despond, but do keep your seat-belts fastened, 'cuz it's gonna be a bumpy ride. Either way, though, please be aware that you now have at least one additional passenger – your partner's new friend – whose feelings need to be respected in the process. (Just as an aside, has it occurred to you that she might interpret your partner's desire for you as evidence that his desire for her doesn't really count, since the whole point of dating was apparently to spice up his sex life with you? Hmmm.) 

I want to leave you with one final thought. If your partner tells you, explicitly or implicitly, that he wants to have sex with you, there is only ONE thing you need to figure out, and that is NOT whether he means what he says. The only thing you need to figure out is this: Do you want to have sex with him? If the answer no, it doesn't matter why he wants you. You're not into it. Simply tell him so, as clearly and kindly as you can, and move on. If the answer is yes, it still doesn't matter why he wants you. What he thinks about, in the private sanctuary of his own mind, is actually none of your business. So just get over yourself, and get busy! If you're anything like me, you will feel much better afterward. 

Jams & Jellies,
Viny

Monogamy Is Over. So Is Polyamory.

A recent issue of Time magazine ran with the cover, "Is Monogamy Over?"

The consensus among the thinkers/cultural gurus who weighed in on this question seemed to be, "No, monogamy isn't over -- er, not exactly. Kind of. But not, like, TOTALLY over. Which is good, because monogamy can be a good thing for people. Kind of. At least in theory."

I disagree. I think monogamy IS over.

The mere fact that Time put that question on their cover demonstrates that our cultural narratives about relationships are changing, and changing pretty rapidly. I believe that within a few decades, most people's attitudes about relationships will look more like mine, whether or not they choose a lifestyle like mine. 

But don't get all excited (or freaked out, as the case may be) about the coming Ascendency of the Polyamorous World Order, because I also think polyamory is over.

What I see, from my vantage point, is that people are becoming increasingly uncomfortable with both "monogamy" and "polyamory", and what those labels imply. At nearly every "poly" gathering I have attended, someone says something like, "I don't know if I qualify as truly polyamorous, because...."

[Here are some of the "disqualfiers" I've heard: My partner and I are thinking about opening our relationship, but we're still in the experimental phase; I'm in a companionship marriage with my gay husband, and I don't even have another partner right now; I just broke up with partner A, which means now I'm only seeing partner B; I'm not dating at the moment, and neither is my wife, which I guess means we are technically monogamous; My live-in partner and I don't have sex any more, so my girlfriend is my only sex partner; I identify as asexual; I'm actually still a virgin; etc.]

I wonder if we need a new term to describe the new relationship paradigm that is in the process of emerging -- a term that denotes a collection of ideas about relationships, rather than a set of practices. (I know, I know: not another new term!)

Regardless of what we might call this collection of ideas, I'd like to take a stab at enumerating them. Here they are -- feel free to email me with any additions/deletions/clarifications/comments!

{EDIT: Quite a few people have pointed out that the ideas below sound a lot like Relationship Anarchy. I discuss RA, and the reasons why I don't feel comfortable calling myself a relationship anarchist, here.}

1. IDEAS ABOUT SEX

• sex isn't bad or shameful
• different people manifest sexuality in many different ways; as long as it's consensual, we shouldn't judge other people's sexual tastes or the way they choose to express themselves sexually (or not, in the case of people who identify as asexual)
• sex isn't inherently private; robust, open communication about sex is good
• open communication about your sexual history/activities is perhaps the most important “safer sex” practice you can implement (your partners are then able to give informed consent)
• sex can be sacred outside of exclusivity and long-term commitment (in other words, it's not a choice between "sacred & monogamous" and "casual & promiscuous" sex)
• there is no natural, non-arbitrary line we can draw to separate what's sexual and what isn't
• people have the same right to express themselves sexually, and to engage in sex on their own terms, regardless of gender/orientation (there should be no double standard)

2. IDEAS ABOUT INTIMACY

• true intimacy depends on open communication (which depends on a bunch of other things, including self-knowledge, communication skills, and a commitment to honesty and transparency): “don't ask, don't tell” limits intimacy; indulging in intrigue or "mind" games can damage trust
• intimacy is more valuable than privacy
• intimacy depends on mutual consent and reciprocity (in other words, boundaries are healthy)
• most people do better with multiple intimacies in their lives
• people who celebrate and foster multiple intimacies will create stronger communities than those who limit their intimacies: what we want is deeper, more bonded communities brought together by mutual interest in intimacy, rather than a common interest in eradicating some hated Other
• there is no clear distinction between sexual and non-sexual intimacy, because intimacy is holistic: it includes the whole person, and sexuality is part of that

3. IDEAS ABOUT RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS

• you don't have to break up with a partner when things aren't perfect; there are all kinds of creative solutions to incompatibilities
• likewise, you don't have to break up with one person because you are interested in another; it doesn't have to be “choose A or B”
• DIY relationships are more rewarding than following a culturally sanctioned script, because they are of necessity engaged in more consciously (although some discourse on polyamory is getting script-y these days)
• there are no relationship “givens”: agreements, terms, obligations do not magically occur because some event happens (“you slept with me, so that means X” or “you married me, so that means Y”), but because people sat down together and made an explicit agreement – and understand that those agreements must be revisited regularly
• there is no ideal model for how a relationship should be
• change is inevitable in any relationship (which is why agreements must be revisited to make sure they are still serving everyone's needs); and not every good relationship is sustainable
• there is no “correct” trajectory for how change “should” happen in the course of a relationship
• one person can't be everything to anyone (under this paradigm, no one ever has to ask, “Why am I not enough for you?” or “You like so-and-so? What's wrong with me?”)
• the dyad is not the only locus of intimacy

4. IDEAS ABOUT EMOTIONS/INDIVIDUAL EXPERIENCE

• jealousy doesn't equal love; it is better for your psychological health to let it go; it is totally possible to overcome, or at least minimize, your feelings of jealousy
• jealousy, when examined, proves to be a collection of fears (abandonment, personal inadequacy, etc.)
• it is possible to develop positive feelings in place of or in addition to jealous feelings, i.e. "compersion" (happiness because of a partner's happiness with another)
• it is possible to experience romantic love for more than one person at a time (though since relationships tend to be at different stages, and to fill different needs, in practice this overlap isn't complete....)
• you can't be honest with others unless you understand your own emotions and learn to communicate about them without holding others responsible for how you feel: you have to have a clear sense of where your ego boundaries are
• the desire to control one's intimate partners is unhealthy, and it's worth working to overcome this desire to control them, because everyone is happier when autonomy is respected and nurtured

Unrequited Love: My Metamours Wish I Didn't Exist

Dear Viny,

My husband “Scott” and I opened up our marriage almost 2 years ago. I've been seeing my boyfriend “Charles” for over a year and a half, and it's been a wonderful dating experience. My main struggle in this relationship has been, and continues to be, that Charles' wife, “Jessica,” does not want to get to know me. We met once at Charles' request, but only for 20 minutes because that was all that Jessica wanted. I don't feel a great need to be pals and hang out all the time with her, but I do feel that a certain degree of compassion can be gained by some sort of regular get-together. I want very much to express my caring for her and to let her know I understand who she is as the lovable woman Charles married. I want her to know that I care for her and her sweet family. Without any opportunity to communicate, we may secretly be as suspicious of one another as we want, and it almost feels as though we are vying for Charles' time and energy from opposing sides of the fence. I dream instead of being a united front, both of us on the “make Charles happy” team (his words).

Part 2: My husband struggled for a year with us being open, despite the opening up being his idea. Scott was worried that my connection with Charles was a sign that our marriage did not have the right kind of foundation (I disagree – I like our marriage and am grateful for the many ways we connect with one another and with lovers). So when Scott started dating “Megan” a few months ago, I went into it gently and supportively, having had his support for my relationship with Charles all this time. I was also a bit wary, though, given Scott's shaky assumptions about our own connection. The first problem is that Megan is single and very monogamously-minded. She simply cannot wrap her head around the fact that she has a deep and important connection with a married man. Working with Megan's struggle to accept the poly-ness of this situation has been stressful and causes me to worry that she secretly wishes and plans to have Scott all to herself. Add to it that she refuses to meet me because she'd rather me not be here at all...this is just more than I can support. My husband is out all the time with her and runs at a second's notice to put out the fire any time she cries about this. It is really out of balance, and he is feeling pulled by the opposing forces of two women who love him but aren't necessarily working together for the good of the whole group...we just want him to ourselves, at least right now. This isn't fair to him. I spent some time resenting her and thinking that she was just trying to make my life hard. Then one day, I learned that my inquiry into a job that might cross paths with hers caused her to cry, and I was overcome with compassion for her. I realized for the first time that she is truly having a hard time with this. It occurred to me that she is a deep-feeling, lovely soul who happens to have found a meaningful, intimate connection with a married man despite her personal wishes and ethics about it. Having felt that compassion for her, I can't go back to resenting her. I really feel for her. Now my problem is that I wish she would meet me, so I could explain that I see her side of this.

I have two metamours who prefer to compartmentalize their relationships with the men I love and who do not want to get to know me. I just want to have some time with them to let them know I care for them and to affirm we all want the same thing: for our men to feel loved and be happy. Am I selfish or wrong to want some degree of togetherness with my metamours? Maybe they are happier pretending away reality, and I should move as slowly as the most reluctant part...? My men are trying to behave as compassionately as possible, and although they don't want to push their other partners into meeting me when they aren't ready, they have both been gently pursuing the idea with my metamours. So what can I do now? Is it best to wait for everyone to come around while my men do their gentle work of getting my metamours on board?

Help me out of the cold and into my metamours' hearts,

B

***

Dear B,

I am impressed – and touched – by your letter, and I only wish your metamours could read it. If Jessica and Megan were able to see you for who you really are, I'm sure they would love you.

Of course, that's exactly the problem: they aren't able to see you. They aren't even looking. From your description, it sounds like both of your metamours have their heads deep in the sand of “Let's pretend she doesn't really matter.” Never mind that nothing grows in that sand. Never mind that it's desert all the way down, a fucking wasteland of miserly misery. At least it's better than the existential terror of “Maybe I don't really matter.”

We all want to feel like we matter. Unfortunately, many of us have been taught to measure our self-worth according to how much other people are willing to sacrifice to be with us – which explains why the idea of being someone's “one and only” is so appealing. The twisted logic goes like this: If my lover is willing to forsake all others, past and potential, then I must be incredibly valuable. (“See, I am worth more than all of the rest of them put together! I matter most!”) In contrast, if my lover gives up nothing to be with me, I might be worth nothing. Unless I can prove my value – typically at someone else's expense – I will worry that I am worthless.

No wonder your metamours don't want to see you: seeing you would mean facing their own fears.

Your situation is regrettably common, B. Far too many people in open relationships seem to think they can avoid anxiety by avoiding the people they imagine are causing it – an approach that's just about guaranteed to backfire. As strange as it might seem, meeting your lover's other lover(s) is actually the most effective antidote to the ickiness of jealousy.

You seem to understand this intuitively. The question is, how can you put your knowledge into practice? How do you meet someone who wants nothing more than to keep hiding from you? How do you help someone who doesn't want your help?

<Sigh>

I don't have a good answer for you. There's not a lot of direct action you can take, given the circumstances. You are probably going to have to wait for Jessica and Megan to change their minds about how they want to handle being involved with men who are also involved with you. Your best bet for hurrying this process along is to try to convince Charles and Scott to use their influence to hurry the process along. To that end, it might be a good idea to see whether there is any reluctance on their part: do the men agree with you that it would be in everyone's best interest for you and your metamours to get to know each other better? Do they share your dream, or are they dubious? (In other words, are they pushing gently out of care and concern, or out of lack of conviction? It's an important distinction.)

While you are waiting, you have important work to do: your relationship with your husband is clearly suffering right now. You used the phrase, “This is just more than I can support,” and that's a big red flag. A phrase like that means a line has been crossed. You need to figure out where that line was, and hike right back to it, on the double. Maintaining your personal boundaries is not the same thing as putting your needs above those of others. Quite the contrary: good boundaries are actually a crucial component of compassion. Let your husband know what you need from him in order to support his other relationship, and then expect him to follow through. If it turns out that you cannot support his relationship with Megan unless Megan is willing to meet you, definitely tell him so -- with the understanding that meeting this particular need may not be within his power. In that case, you will have to approach Megan directly. Write her a letter explaining how you feel. Ask to meet her. Let her know that you're making this request because she matters to your husband, which means she also matters to you. Perhaps she'll listen. 

Mallows and willows,
Viny

 

My Metamour Doesn't Know What's Good for Her (And That's Bad for Me)

Dear Viny,

About eight months ago, my husband started dating a friend of ours. (We've been poly for a long time and I also have a long-term partner.) She is not poly nor really poly oriented but had such strong feelings for my husband that she wanted to give it a shot. (I get it. He's a pretty awesome guy.)

She is struggling with reconciling what she wants out of a relationship (and similarly, what she can expect) and what is possible. Unfortunately, her big picture wish list includes a husband and a monogamous relationship. I know this and I can't not know it... especially when she asks for things. I can't help but wonder if she's subconsciously trying to make this fit her needs even if it's fruitless. (And to answer the looming question, I am not concerned she is going to "cowgirl" away my spouse.)

Her getting more pretty much equals me accepting less, and because I can't see this as a "forever" situation, it's difficult to agree. I'll take this moment to say that I already have trouble understanding why anyone would engage in a relationship that ticks a number of the emotional buttons but leaves fundamental things unfulfilled – to each his or her own I suppose, but my brain always comes back to this.

Help.

Sincerely,

Feeling Uncomfortable, Concerned and Kicky-Screamy

***

Dear F.U.C.K.S.,

That's one hell of a sign-off. I may need to establish an award for acronymic awesomeness. (So many of life's difficulties can be made just a little less onerous by getting some small token of recognition, don't you think?)

It seems that this question is a follow-up to a question I received several months ago. What I said then, about letting other people make their own mistakes, is still true. You may be entirely correct in your estimation that your metamour's needs would be better met in a relationship with someone other than your husband. However, monitoring her relationships is her responsibility, not yours. Yes, it is a royal pain when someone else seems to be floundering around, making less-than-enlightened life choices, especially when you are close enough to the flounderer to start worrying for your own emotional safety. But taking on someone else's personal issues is a quick ticket to Crazytown, because ultimately, you have very little control over anyone other than yourself. Influence, yes. Control, no.

The best way to approach this situation, in my opinion, is to operate from the assumption that your friend knows what's best for her, and your husband knows what's best for him – and to make peace with the possibility that what's best for them may include making messes you wish you didn't have to watch them clean up.

Your job is simply to do what's best for you. Obviously, what's best for you will include some consideration of what's best for other people, but stay focused on your relationships with them, rather than worrying about their relationships with each other. And avoid the temptation to wander off into “wonder” land. When you are asked to give, don't waste your precious emotional resources trying to figure out whether your sacrifice will end up being worth what someone else gets out of it. Instead, stick to questions you can actually answer, questions that will help guide you in your own relationships – such as, "How can I support my husband in his other relationship in a way that feels sustainable to me, regardless of what I see as the likely long-term outcome of that other relationship?" And, “How can I engage with my metamour in ways that feel good to me?”

In other words, keep your eyes on your own paper, pumpkin. Easier said than done, I know – especially for those of us who pride ourselves on how well we “read” other people.

Finally, may I suggest spending some one-on-one time with your metamour, sometime soon? Swear off conversing about the heavy relationship stuff, and just have a fun girls' night out. She's your friend, too, and reconnecting with her on that level might help you dial back the judgement and jack up the compassion – which would be good for everyone involved. Perhaps, if your friend feels more globally supported, she will be able to ask less and give more, too.

Peachy schnapps and lemondrops,

Viny

Why Poly Agreements Need a Sunset Clause (Three Men and a Question, Part Two)

Dear Viny,

Thank you for your response. I think you really "got" how I was feeling when I wrote my question. It's so nice to have someone who might understand where I'm coming from.

Since I first wrote - I'm happy to say that my LTR is a bit more receptive to hanging out as a trio. He seems more willing to hang out when the mood strikes, rather than timing it after some arbitrary number of days.

We talked a bit further and he's alright if I meet with the new guy without him (if he's not feeling it, or if he's busy, or for any reason really) though he asked that we do not have any physical contact outside of greeting each other. I'm willing to agree to this in hopes of illustrating my loyalty to him and trustworthiness, though I do hope this might change over time.

I've also communicated to my LTR that I would be fine if the two of them hung out without me. And I gave express consent for them to be physical (anything that we've already done so far as a trio for now) provided they're both safe and honest with me. His response was maybe a bit surprised. I'm not sure how likely he is to take me up on that, though I encouraged him and explained that I would enjoy hearing about the experience after the fact.

Anyways. We're all doing our best I think. I'm reading a lot – Nonviolent Communication, Opening Up, and The Ethical Slut (my least favorite so far) to help me explore this. At the very least, I'm learning a lot about myself and my relationship with everyone around me.

The unknown is very confusing and exciting.

– Wants More

***

Dear Wants,

It's lovely to hear from you again. I am glad your conversations with your LTR partner have been productive, and that you feel like you're learning a lot. Yes, you are absolutely right: striking out into unknown territory can be simultaneously scary and exhilarating.

As someone who has been wandering around in uncharted regions of Alternative Relationship Land for quite some time now, I want to warn you about a particularly treacherous cliff located in Concessions Canyon, because I'm worried you may be headed straight for it.

I understand why you've agreed to your partner's request that you and the new guy not have any physical contact outside of greeting each other. However, I am here to tell you that when you have a major crush on a guy, and he has a major crush on you, and you're hanging out alone together on a regular basis, but you're not supposed to get physical with each other, because one of you has promised your jealous partner that you won't, one of two things is going to happen: 1) you are going to start resenting the hell out of the person who has hobbled your hot-to-trot hooves, and/or 2) someone's resolve is going to slip.

Situation #1 has happened to me. I actually spent an entire sleepless night lying chastely next to someone I desperately wanted to be squished by, or glommed onto, or tangled up with – and why? Because I had promised my boyfriend I'd keep it platonic with this other person. I did manage to keep my promise, but I ended up losing the relationship I thought I was protecting by making that promise. Take-home lesson: resentment is highly toxic to romance and mutual regard.

Situation #2 has happened to more than one friend of mine. Here's an example. Person A and person B were in a long-term and somewhat troubled marriage. Person C, who was good friends with A, began talking to both A and B, in an attempt to help them resolve their marital issues with each other. A, B, and C had long telephone conversations together – which had an unintended consequence: C and B became more and more emotionally intimate with each other. Soon, C and B were talking on the phone together, just the two of them. Then they began falling in love, long-distance. Person A quite naturally became jealous, and put the kibosh on “duo” phone time for C and B, making them both promise not to talk to each other unless it was an ABC trio conversation. They promised. Then A promptly lost interest in having group conversations. After two weeks, C and B, miserable and jonesing, couldn't stand being out of contact any longer. They snuck in a private phone call, late at night – which A found out about. And that was the end of A and B. It was also the end of A and C. Take-home lesson: Concession + Betrayal = Alimony.

It is a well-known fact that prohibiting an activity increases its allure. It is also a well-known fact that people in the thrall of NRE (new relationship energy) want nothing more than to jam their dirty little fingers into that electrifying socket, if you catch my drift. And finally, it is a well-known fact that someone who is on the lookout for reasons to distrust you is gonna find them, every time. For these reasons, I am concerned that your present agreement is a set-up for failure.

I recommend that you establish a time frame for revisiting the agreement about limiting the physical contact between you and the new guy outside of the trio context. Unfortunately, your LTR partner probably doesn't have a lot of incentive to have that conversation, so it may be a bit tricky to set it up – which is why, for future reference, I suggest you include an expiration date, or “sunset clause,” any time you make an agreement you are hoping will be temporary. In other words, you make sure, up front, that the agreement is understood to expire after a certain length of time, unless and until you agree to renew it for another specified length of time. I strongly believe that a sunset clause should be part of any agreement that feels like a concession to jealousy.

Let's say your partner says, “I'm okay with you eating apple slices, as long as you promise never to put any peanut butter on them.” And you are super excited about apple slices. In fact, you are so excited about them, you are willing to forgo peanut butter, even though you suspect that apple slices with peanut butter would be really, really amazing, given what you know about celery sticks with peanut butter. So you say, “Okay, I can promise not to put any peanut butter on my apple slices for the next three weeks. After that, though, I am going to assume I am free to do as I like, unless you specifically tell me you need more time to get used to the idea of me slathering my apple slices in gooey deliciousness.”

Without a sunset clause, you see, the jealous partner has no incentive to revisit the agreement, and the partner who hopes to get permission, eventually, for a dab of peanut butter will wait and hope, and wait and hope – probably in vain. Setting up an agreement that automatically expires on a given date changes the incentive structure: now, it's the jealous partner who must initiate the difficult conversation, if s/he wants the agreement extended. 

If you've already stepped off of the cliff in Concessions Canyon, and you're hanging onto an itty bitty twig, going, "Now she tells me," I'm really sorry. Here's a virtual hand up.

Mandates & Mandrills,

Viny 

Three Men and a Question: How to Negotiate a Polyamorous Triangle? (Part One)

Dear Viny,

I've been in a monogamous relationship (M/M) with my partner for ten years now. In the past year or so he has hinted at adding a third but also sort of brushed it under the rug and teased me for being a prude (I'm not, though I wasn't really bothered by this). I eventually called him on his bluff and said we should go for it.

We talked about it at length -- what type of guy we wanted, what we would do with this person, what was off limits, where we would find him, etc. My partner is in a somewhat public field so I did the search online myself, though we both chatted with the responses until we found someone respectful that we both dug.

We met this third and everything went really well. I felt thrilled during and after and was glowing all week. My LTR partner was also very into it and we checked in with each other about this. I was really surprised how into it I was – to be honest, I have sort of looked down on open/poly relationships in the past. We made plans to meet again and in the past month or so have hung out and slept with this guy several times together.

The problem that I'm having now, though, is that I want to see him even more often. I've checked in with him to see how he feels with things and he has told me he's very happy and also wants to see us both more. I recognize that I have developed "crushy" feelings towards this guy and that they will dissipate with time, but regardless they make me want more of him both physically and socially. I am not worried at all about losing interest in my LTR and have explained this to my LTR partner and believe he understands. Even still – the more interested I get in this third, the more my LTR partner seems to pull away from him. I don't feel comfortable bringing his name up at this point even though I feel it has brought a newfound passion into my LTR and has benefited us both. I'm crushing on this new guy a bit, but I'm also crushing on my LTR in ways I haven't felt in a long time.

I'm very communicative and my LTR partner tends to be reserved and frustrated when I push to tackle issues like this. I have a hard time reserving my emotions and that can make me seem over-eager. I'm having trouble understanding how best to communicate what I want without sounding like I'm beating a dead horse. I've tried to turn all my excitement back on my LTR partner and that is working well at helping me deal with all this energy, but it isn't really advancing the new relationship in a way that I would like it to.

I don't have any friends I feel comfortable enough opening up to about this just yet. I have no problem being open if I know all three of us are on board, but right now my LTR partner is waffling a bit and I'm really worried. A door has opened for me and I don't want it closed just yet. How can I better communicate this without frustrating my LTR partner?

Thanks for your thoughts.

Sincerely,

Wants More (and more)

***

[NOTE: the following reply is an edited version of a personal email sent to "Wants" on 8/7. His response, along with my subsequent reply, will be posted in Part Two.] 

Dear Wants,

Since you are obviously chomping at the bit, and since I don't have time to write a full-length reply until after I return from an upcoming backpacking/camping adventure, my "what you can do right now" advice is to go to your LTR partner and say something like, "Hey, how would you feel about me seeing X [the new guy] on my own this week? It seems like you may be pulling back, or becoming less interested, and I don't want you to feel pressured to get together with him if you'd rather not – but it's definitely something I'd like to do."

I know you said you don't want to seem too eager, but the truth is, you ARE eager – and this approach is at least less likely to annoy your partner than, "When can we do another threesome? How 'bout now? No? Okay, how 'bout now?" Asking your partner how he feels about you seeing the new guy on your own also has the advantage of giving him an opening to talk about how he's feeling about other things, if he wants to, without demanding that he "process" everything with you. (I have been in your shoes before, and I know how frustrating it can be when an LTR partner – who is not feeling particularly motivated to help move things along, or even to discuss why he seems to be balking – seemingly has control over the pacing of a new relationship. And while we're at it, why is it that taciturn reluctance so often has more say-so than loquacious exuberance? Why does the person who doesn't want to talk always get the last word? Argh! End of rant.)

This all presupposes that you would be okay with seeing your crush on your own, so long as your partner is okay with it. If seeing the new guy on your own isn't something you're willing to do, or if your partner really doesn't like the idea, then you've got more thinking (and more waiting around impatiently!) to do. If your partner does give the go-ahead on a duo date, then your next step is to ask the new guy if he would be okay getting together with just you.

It's rarely the case that two people are equally interested in the exact same type of relationship with a third person, which is why it's my opinion that the individual is the fundamental building block in every relationship, whether or not that individual happens to be coupled. I wonder if this is a conclusion more likely to be reached by heterosexual couples in open relationships, who are much more likely to form V's than triangles.... Stay tuned for more on this topic later. Meanwhile, thanks for writing, and good luck!

Cookies & Cacophony,
Viny

My Contributor's Copy of Stories from the Polycule Is Here!

Look what I found in my mailbox!

Contributors' copies of Stories from the Polycule, an anthology edited by Dr. Elisabeth Sheff, have arrived. My son and I both have stories included, so I was really pleased to see how well the anthology turned out. Books don't ship to the public until October, but you can pre-order a copy through Powell's, Amazon, or iTunes.